You Can't Always Get What You Want

You can't always get what you want.  "To Want" is an element of the Ego and I find life works best for me when I stay away from desires of the Ego.  With patience and perseverance I've learned that I do end up obtaining exactly what I need after I lose that which I want.  I no longer look at rejection as a setback; in fact it has no meaning in my life anymore.  I've had enough rejection through my life but I am now presently at a place where I am thriving more than ever before.  With the right attitude and out look I have been able to achieve peace and freedom unlike ever before.  My shield no longer protects me from heartbreak because I've opened my heart right up but rather this new shield protects me from bad energy, those that look to suck your soul of happiness and freedom.

During my dark ages I conjured up a dream to get into costume design and work in theater and or film.  Soon after I escaped the dark and moved into the light I got a message from my oldest friend in the world about a job opening as Head of Wardrobe at the theater in Port Dover.  My best childhood memories are of  summers in Port Dover and the Norfolk area.  For me this chance to work in Port Dover was such an exceptional opportunity; I would be fulfilling a dream job and living in serenity close to family I love.  I scored an interview for this position and was second in line to obtaining it but I did not get the job in the end.  I was disappointed but I truly understood why the other woman got it over me, after all she had a list of experience that I could not measure up to.  A year later the same theater tried to bring me back through a government funded grant.  The grant would have me working under the head of the wardrobe, learning and gaining the experience I need to obtain future jobs in this field.  My hopes were so high; I wanted to use the power of thought to obtain what I wanted but I also did not want to convince myself so much that I would achieve it that which in the end would leave me more heartbroken and disappointed.  I finally got the phone call that I had been pacing over for months: I did not get the grant.  I broke down.  I was crushed.  I fucking wanted that job and this was now the second time I lost it.  I wanted to live by the beach, be close to family, get the experience I needed to obtain this dream career...

A few days later I get a phone call from my friend.  She said that she understood that it was not the same thing but as a consolation I could come and work with her at the theater and run a theater based summer camp with children.  I immediately said yes.  She also managed to get the theater to hire me on as a costume builder for a production of The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe.  Ever since I was a child I have always wanted to be a teacher.  Through out high school my teaching plans geared more towards psychology with the idea of perhaps becoming a youth councilor.  While working on the youth programs for the theater last summer I became both a teacher and a psychologist to all these children and young adults; it added this new purpose to my work.  I did not obtain that job that I so desperately wanted but because that door closed behind me I was able to go forth and open the next one which sent me into a natural direction obtaining another ideal area of work that I have always been so interested in.  This summer I am back to working with the kids again.  They bring me so much joy and laughter unlike any other job I've ever had.  I try my best to be a positive influence and to take the time to get into the minds of the more troubled kids in a sincere and understanding way.  Everyday that I work with the kids I have a new hilarious and interesting story to share. Their intelligence never ceases to amaze me and it warms my heart.

I have a new outlook on what rejection is now.  After having gone through enough rejection in my life and feeling lost and let down I have now realized that there is no such thing as rejection.  Rejection has not a single thread of meaning anymore.  Had I achieved that which rejected me I would not be able to have opened these new doors to a brighter and more fulfilling future.  Every time I have not got what I wanted I ended up getting exactly what I needed.  I feel free from failure and rejection because I have faith that I am on the right course in life and I am reminded of it in the best possible way when it is most needed.  I came to terms about this new outlook while on the bus coming home from a field trip with about 70 kids from my friend's theater school last Friday; we went to Stratford to watch "Your a Good Man Charlie Brown".  I was in deep thought on the bus home staring out the window at the green pastures as I often do.  I was coming to terms with how a boy whom I really like did not call me after a much anticipated "date".  I did not seek to know any reasons why because to me the reason does not matter; the fact is he didn't try and that is all that I need to know to move on.  I understood how it made me sad and I accepted it as I do with all things that are out of my control.  I wrote this chapter on the bus and then went out this past weekend with an open mind and heart ready to accept new experiences.  Fireworks.  I met someone who gives a damn, somebody more like myself.  Someone unlike anyone I've ever met before.  Someone who says the greatest things my ears have ever heard such as "I'm going to teach you how to play piano."  Me: "Do you know how to play piano?"  Him:  "No.  But I will learn so that I can teach you."

We can save our own souls with the right outlook on life and by openly expressing our freedom with like minded souls with all the pride in the world.