Rising In Love

When it comes to love, we are conditioned to using the term "falling".  We say:  "I am falling hard for so and so" or "falling deeply in love" or "falling for whats-his-face."  Has anyone ever stopped to think what this really means?  That we associate what is supposed to be the best feeling in the world with a negative connotation.  It had never ever occurred to me until I read about Rising in Love in a book with my boyfriend.  Yes, we read together.

One of my all time fantasies through out my romantic relationships has been to be with a man who read me a book while I could just curl up on his shoulder and listen.  Never did I ever express this to anyone, I thought it was silly and I am not one to ask anything from anyone.  In any relationships, very rarely did I say "this is what I want, be that."  I have always wanted people to just be themselves.  I could never ask someone to do something if it wasn't authentic and real.  Asking someone to do something to please you just ruins the whole process in my opinion.  I always weighed out the pros and cons in some sort of juvenile way, like he doesn't cheat on me so it's ok if he doesn't do the dishes.  Or he smells good and the last one stopped wearing deodorant so it's ok if he does not thank me for the meal I just prepared.  Or he still loves me even when I look frumpy and uncleanly, so it's ok if I haven't ate my favourite food in 5 years because it is not of his preference...

It is most important to see a person for who they really are so that you can make a rational decision on whether or not you want to continue the relationship.  Unfortunately, in my circumstances, even when I knew the person or persons weren't right for me, I always saw potential.  I thought well, if they changed this, or grew up a little, or just stopped that nasty habit everything would be A-OK.  Well, now I know that is utter bullshit.  I've been accused of stringing men along, but the truth is I was stringing myself along.

"You have to love him for who he is not his potential." -Californication

We are fed the notion that not all people are perfect, and while I agree with that statement fully, it does not mean I should excuse bad behavior or unforgivable events.  There is a fine line and it has taken me many years to really grasp the lines I have drew up and washed away in my past relationships.  The answer is as simple as one word spoken and understood:  CONFIDENCE.

Every single mistake I have made in relationships is a result of lack of confidence.  I met my first boyfriend when I was 18, he was 24.  I was out of high school and I had still never had anything even close to a romantic relationship.  I had been in love with one person who I could not speak to because I was utterly terrified to sound stupid, which I always did in my early years.  I couldn't bare the thought of dating anyone else, I knew how he made me feel and no one could top that.  Even so much as so called "hooking up" in high school did not happen, because I was so caught up on my crush.  I couldn't bare the thought of him thinking I was with others if we were destined to be together.  I had other crushes but nothing compared to this one person so I didn't bother seeking love from anyone else.  I always believed in true love, soul mates, twin flames...

When I met my first boyfriend, I was ready for a relationship.  I was begging the stars to let me know what it feels like to be loved.  I decided that I had to lower my standards, considering the fact that if I was head over heels for someone I would not even be able to talk to, what was the point of reaching my highest value?  I just needed some experience and he was cute and nice enough.  That`s about it.  I even made him wait 6 months before I slept with him.  I was scared and nervous.  Now looking back I also know that my attraction for him was not what I thought it was.  10 years later, I understand attraction finally.

It is easy to think that someone has an attractive face, or body, or mind, their successes, their sense of humour, their energy, the list can go on and on.  None of these silly little attractions are a reason to be with someone.  There is so much more to it, and I may not have all the answers but I can share my experiences and findings to help relate to others.  Essentially, how I got out of my first relationship was finding clarity from others.  Strangers.  Tv talk shows.  Books.  Music.

I was isolated in the truest sense of the word during my first relationship.  My ex had/has Paranoid Personality Disorder.  It started with just extreme jealousy.  I mistook jealousy and thought it was extreme love.  Wow, he must really dig me, I thought.  This dude was even jealous of my doctor.  Yes, my doctor.  I eventually had to lie about getting a physical, which I do yearly because I care about my health.  He made me feel guilty if I wanted to go to a concert.  He made me think that girls who go to concerts are groupies and said it made him feel like he was not enough for me.  I did not want to hurt his feelings; I abstained from going to concerts for over 5 years...

His PPD turned into him truly believing that people were trying to poison him.  He made me taste all meals before he would eat them.  He threw out countless meals I had prepared because he had convinced himself someone tainted it when I was not looking.  I moved in with him under the notion that he could no longer accuse outside forces of poisoning him if we lived alone.  I thought it might get better but it got worse.  He thought the people upstairs moved in to spy on him.  He made me keep the blinds closed at all times in case people were looking in with binoculars (we lived on the 10th floor of a building).  He took my sewing needles and stuck them in any little tiny crevice in the walls because he thought there could be a pin hole camera shoved in.  He bullied me towards putting on a surveillance camera every time I left the house to walk the dog, in order to catch the perpetrators in action.  To keep him from whining, I went along with it all, even though I did not believe any of it for a second.  A lesson from that I now understand is this: "Those who cannot trust, cannot be trusted."  He thought people were spying on him but in reality it was him who was spying on me.

I have so many unbelievable stories that I could share about him it would make your head spin.  How on god`s green earth did I last 6 years in that hell?  Well for starters, I am a peacekeeper.  I try and fix people's problems.  I am understanding.  I give people the benefit of the doubt.  I see the good in the ugly.  Above it all, I lacked confidence and even more so, I had no clue about my self-worth.

When I started dating my first boyfriend I was well aware that I knew nothing about relationships.  I knew I had no confidence.  I thought I was not attractive.  I believed in true love but I felt doomed as I was in love with someone who I felt was way out of my league.  I felt like I was plagued to an eternity alone, all at the ripe old age of 18.  He liked me and that was all I needed at the time.  After college I hadn't kept in contact with friends, there was no facebook back then kids.  My insecurity lead me to believe that I had no friends because there was something wrong with me.  I must be a bitch, I thought to myself.  I felt lucky that I had him in my life, he was all I had.

Silly things helped me realize my position.  An episode of Oprah, where she spoke of how women stay in abusive relationships because they never had a chance to realize their self-worth and lacked confidence.  With that I had the answer to the question, Why?  Whatabout, How?  Well, the Hills answered that.  Watching the development of Spencer and Heidi's relationship was a slap in the face.  Spencer said some of the same things he did, such as something along the lines of:  "I spend everyday with you doesn't that prove how much I love you."  Yeah... I thought that was true, it wasn't love though, it was extreme scrutiny.

The number one factor that gave me the courage to leave a man who wanted to marry me and warped his life around controlling me was my utter despair.  I got so depressed.  I fantasized jumping; it made me smile.  I always wanted to travel and see the world, to study more, to go on adventures, to laugh, all the things that make life worthwhile.  I decided that I must begin to live again.  That I must chose me over him.  That I must put my happiness above his once and for all.  I gave myself a deadline, New Years.  I would tell him I was not in love by New Years, and I made that decision in the summer.  Around Christmas time he left for a few days and I listened to Pearl Jam's Betterman over and over.  I practiced my speech.  He walked through the door and asked me if I had missed him.  I said, "NO".  The rest is, as they say, history.

I left that relationship without barely a single friend to my name.  It no longer mattered, I just wanted my freedom.  I understand freedom fully because I know first hand what it is like to have it taken away.  I was a free bird, starting a fresh new life at 25.  I made friends, they brought me joy.  I still had a lot of growing to do, I still had dreams to conquer.  Eventually I started dating my best friend.  We were so open with each other and had so much fun.  Things that I lacked immensely from my first relationship were found within him.  I thought we would be friends forever no matter what happened.  Before we chose to start dating we talked about what would happen if we were to split up, how we would handle it.  We promised that we would be mature and respectable and that if either of us wanted out it would be ok.  We would be honest with each other always.  That was the plan.

How can you tell if you're falling in love or rising in love? 

Something happened to him.  Something clicked in his head.  Maybe it was a loose screw?  The only conclusion I can draw to him is that he could not hold on to his changes for long enough, he reverted back to what must be his true essence.  I wish the man I loved was his true essence but he has proven that it is not.  When we were just friends he was not respectful to woman and he acted blindly and irresponsibly.  I would never date a man like him.  He felt unloved and he acted like the victim.  Back then he would say people used him.  I tried to show him all the wonderful people he had in his life and how blessed he truly was.  Before we dated he re-connected with his first girlfriend who he had not seen in 7 years.  He felt like meeting up with her was "closure".  He seemed lighter afterwards.  He changed his evil ways and I saw in him a great man who just needed true love.  I gave him that.  The problem though, is that he has been holding on to his core belief that he is unloved for so long that he identifies to that more than anything else.  I loved him the best I could and he never felt like it was enough.  He was always looking for something more.  He passed the blame on me too much and never took responsibility for his own actions.  Most importantly, he has yet to learn how to love himself. 

Once again, as soon as I stopped living for myself and conquering my dreams I knew I had to end it.  Once again, I had to chose me.  I had to fight for happiness and denounce depression.  He is no longer my friend, but we have at least moved on to adequate acquaintances.  He thinks I don't care about him, he thinks no one really cares to be honest.  In actuality he is the most painful person in the world to love.  He hurts his body everyday and lives recklessly.  To love him is to be constantly worried.  I am not built for that challenge, I fell down and started losing myself in the process.  But I do not regret it.  I do not regret him, not like the first one.  I learned a lot about myself and life.  He helped me learn my self-worth, I only wish I could have done the same for him.

Conquering Europe has been my biggest achievement to date.  Every part of me is happy and fulfilled because I did it on my own and for myself and no one or anything stopped me.  On top of it all, no one can take it away from me.  My experiences are in my heart forever and ever.  When I arrived home, summer was starting.  I had no intentions what so ever to date anyone seriously for some time.  I equate love to losing myself.  That is all it had ever been.  Me putting my boyfriend's needs before my own.  Putting my dreams on hold to fulfill there's.  I was going to be a free bird and enjoy it no matter what.  I decided to put my standards for a potential romantic partner way up higher than it has ever been to ensure that.  Little did I know, someone could actually meet those standards.

It was the summer, I was on my way to meet some friends in the park, and experience the pride parade because I had never attended before.  I was happy to jump on a bus and a subway and walk to find them because it reminded me of my travels.  I was a little late, I had been caught up with a conversation with my parents upon leaving the house.  I arrived to the Dyke March dripping in sweat to find that it was pretty much over and that I had missed it.  I ate some mushrooms and started acting really weird not giving a fiddler's fart of what anyone thought of me.   The rest is again, as they say, history.

Our first date was the next day.  He thought about the rules about calling someone so many days after the first encounter but instead went with his gut instinct and asked me out.  We met up with friends at a bbq and watched fireworks, as it was July 1st.  First date, fire works.  Beat that.  Every voice in my head said, do not move fast, get to know him, don't date anyone you have bigger plans, but my heart took the reigns and acted for me.  The universe works in a funny way.  I was supposed to be living in another town at that time but something fell through so I had another week and a half in the city.  We went on picnic's during that time and everything he said and did was just so damn perfect.  I actually thought he must be full of shit, or a mind reader.  How could he say to me everything that I wanted to hear?  I decided to not over think it.  To just go with the flow.  I moved back to the small town for the next 2 months which I felt was a very healthy way to slow our relationship down.  Give me the time I needed to be alone and focus on myself.  He visited me a few times and it was always so perfect.  I never met anyone else during the summer that made me stray from this guy I had only known for a week.  I got home in September and we have been two peas in a pod ever since.

For the first time in my life, I understand the difference between falling in love and rising in love.