Time to collect my thoughts. A lot has happened while on this journey. I ended my relationship weeks ago. I just had to do it. Out of respect I have not blogged the reasons why although I did feel at a point that maybe it would be good for me to let it all out. I have now decided not to give details, it would not be fair to him. I made my choice and I just really needed space for myself to be able to move on. It is hard to break up with someone you love knowing it will hurt the other so much. But I have been hurt and I cannot accept this in my life anymore. I think we will manage to stay friends in the end. I just need time.
Love and men are such a touchy topic for me. I am truly learning a lot about myself and what I need while away wondering and wandering on my own and without influences around. I am a pathetic hopeless romantic. I believe in true love and finding a kindred spirit; ¨-but kindred spirits are so very, very rare; I might as well cry for the moon.¨ (Elizabeth and Her German Garden)
The problem is that one gets too lonely waiting for that perfect match and I am absolutely terrified to give my everything to someone and then one day they decide it is all over. I have known three boys through out my life who´ve cheated on their girlfriends with me. Deep down inside I wanted all of them to pick me over their girlfriend and all three went back to her. I beleive none of them were even honest about it; unless they would like to enlighten me otherwise? It makes me not trust men because I thought all three were honest and decent human beings and that perhaps I was something special. So I am losing a bit of hope.
I am feeling my age suddenly now that I am looming nearer to 30. I must keep in mind that because I am learning so much about myself through my experiences as I grow and change I am suddenly better equipped with the tools to capture my happiness. I wish love and happiness were not the same thing but let´s be honest, we all want to be obliviously happy and in love forever. Couples are going to inevitably disagree and change throughout life so I suppose it comes down to how you disagree and express it to the other. Saying hurtful things while angry has got to be the most destructive thing in a relationship. Usually the aggressor doesn´t even realize or really mean what he/she is saying but that changes nothing. Words linger forever; Once said cannot be erased.
We, mankind, have got to be more wise when we lash out in fury. We have to know how to control our tongue while still keeping the gates of communication wide open. I believe writing or keeping a journal helps. Write out your frustrations then go to sleep and see if you still want to share such anger the next day. If you do then by all means, say it. I am a thinker. I like to meditate on objections long after the moment. I like to come to a sure conclusion and be positive that it is really how I feel. I can see so many sides to situations so I need the time to decipher how it is I feel about it. The problem with my way is that I bring things up days later and by then the partner cannot understand why I just didn´t say it in the moment. I cannot say either way is the right way; it is merely different ways of communicating. We are all so different which is why I believe it to be much more simple to be with a like-minded person. They say opposites attract but that to me will only bring heartache. All one wants is to be understood and loved; when two people are so different you lose the understanding and become so hurt and frustrated. To look at your partner and know that they don´t see life how you see it makes you feel so alone; more alone than actually being alone. Reminds me of the Avatar scene, ¨I see you.¨
(While writing this I was on the beach in Spain and there are boobies everywhere!)
I had these favourite earrings made of coconuts; one is a diamond and the other is a heart. While in a bar in Athens I lost the heart. There is a song that goes ¨I left my heart in San Francisco¨ so I began singing ¨I left my heart in Athens¨ all week. I went to Santorini a few days later and I was explaining the story to my friend as we hiked up a mountain. There were fishing boats in the sea and suddenly their net made a heart shape and my friend said to me, ¨there you found your heart!¨ It made me smile.
While taking pictures of the glorious moon in Malaga it was hard to get a still and clear shot. As I was deleting the bad images I found one image that turned the moon into a perfect heart.
Love and men are such a touchy topic for me. I am truly learning a lot about myself and what I need while away wondering and wandering on my own and without influences around. I am a pathetic hopeless romantic. I believe in true love and finding a kindred spirit; ¨-but kindred spirits are so very, very rare; I might as well cry for the moon.¨ (Elizabeth and Her German Garden)
I am feeling my age suddenly now that I am looming nearer to 30. I must keep in mind that because I am learning so much about myself through my experiences as I grow and change I am suddenly better equipped with the tools to capture my happiness. I wish love and happiness were not the same thing but let´s be honest, we all want to be obliviously happy and in love forever. Couples are going to inevitably disagree and change throughout life so I suppose it comes down to how you disagree and express it to the other. Saying hurtful things while angry has got to be the most destructive thing in a relationship. Usually the aggressor doesn´t even realize or really mean what he/she is saying but that changes nothing. Words linger forever; Once said cannot be erased.
We, mankind, have got to be more wise when we lash out in fury. We have to know how to control our tongue while still keeping the gates of communication wide open. I believe writing or keeping a journal helps. Write out your frustrations then go to sleep and see if you still want to share such anger the next day. If you do then by all means, say it. I am a thinker. I like to meditate on objections long after the moment. I like to come to a sure conclusion and be positive that it is really how I feel. I can see so many sides to situations so I need the time to decipher how it is I feel about it. The problem with my way is that I bring things up days later and by then the partner cannot understand why I just didn´t say it in the moment. I cannot say either way is the right way; it is merely different ways of communicating. We are all so different which is why I believe it to be much more simple to be with a like-minded person. They say opposites attract but that to me will only bring heartache. All one wants is to be understood and loved; when two people are so different you lose the understanding and become so hurt and frustrated. To look at your partner and know that they don´t see life how you see it makes you feel so alone; more alone than actually being alone. Reminds me of the Avatar scene, ¨I see you.¨
(While writing this I was on the beach in Spain and there are boobies everywhere!)
I had these favourite earrings made of coconuts; one is a diamond and the other is a heart. While in a bar in Athens I lost the heart. There is a song that goes ¨I left my heart in San Francisco¨ so I began singing ¨I left my heart in Athens¨ all week. I went to Santorini a few days later and I was explaining the story to my friend as we hiked up a mountain. There were fishing boats in the sea and suddenly their net made a heart shape and my friend said to me, ¨there you found your heart!¨ It made me smile.
While taking pictures of the glorious moon in Malaga it was hard to get a still and clear shot. As I was deleting the bad images I found one image that turned the moon into a perfect heart.
I love, love, loved this post.
ReplyDeleteBy and by, there is a lot of wisdom behind those words, darling. I strongly feel that if people resonated with a better understanding of that mentality, the whole world would be a better place and people would be infinitely more kinder to one another; to accept others fully is to have understanding and compassion, as well as to have the content in agreeing to disagree, accept that it is okay to be different and clash with others, and it is more than okay to truly be at peace with that. In the end, there's more room in your life for goodness to flood in.
PS> LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE the heart shit <3<3<3
ReplyDelete