I arrived in Germany at 2am on a Tuesday morning. A little less than 3 weeks earlier I had arrived by plane from Palermo to Seville. I had no clue I was landing into a city that was in the midst of their biggest celebration of the year. It took me 4 hours to find my hostel as I was walking around getting stopped in every direction by parades, very large statues of Jesus, marching bands, incense carriers and crowds of all ages. But this is another story so I will get to the point. I had to check out the next day and upon waking up and crawling out of bed I see a cute girl pop her head from the top bunk and was like, 'Hello!' We got to chatting and I learned she is from Germany so I told her how I really wanted to go to Germany to see Bernhoft play as he was in the middle of his tour. She said that she was already going to the show in Frankfurt and that I could come stay with her if I made it there! What a great push I needed to get on the ball rolling towards conquering another goal I've had while travelling. I had to leave to Malaga soon after so once there I borrowed a computer and purchased my plane ticket from Madrıd to Frankfurt for around 50 Euros. I also got my Bernhoft tıcket and thıngs were set ın stone.
So 2am in Frankfurt and I am on an empty street trying to work the pay phones and this sweet girl asks me if I would like to use her mobile. Thankfully I called Danny up and she said to come on over! Then this sweet girl offered me a ride with her friends and they dropped me off right at Danny's place! How amazing!
The next day I wake up and I see this quote on Danny's wall, the same Goethe quote I found on the side of a building in Toronto the day I was downtown for a job interview to build a robot costume for a kid's show! The day I found the quote I immediately took a photo and shared it with those people in my life whom I thought could benefit from the inspiration.
We ended up visiting the Goethe house that day and it was really cool to see such wonderfully well-preserved furniture and art. The most interesting being this clock:
We went to the Bernhoft show that night and it was such an amazing tıme! I am so happy about how I've been able to set goals for myself before leaving on this trip and going through and completing them one step at a time. And it is even more rewarding when I have a new wonderful friend to share the experiences and joy with!
And so it goes folks. There's a great skit in a Fugees song that goes: 'The only problem we have is killing the people who don’t
look like us, who oppress us. Shit. You
see, it’s easy for cats to kill cats, it’s just the dogs they got trouble with.
Its time for us to stand up like men and women, yo. You know what I realized?
You let a mother fucker kick you five times, they gon’ kick you five times. You
let ‘em kick you three times, they gon’ kick you three times. You let ‘em kick
you twice, they gon’ kick you twice. You let ‘em kick you once, they gon’ kick
you once. But if you break off there mother fucking feet, there ain’t gon’ be no more
kicking going on, kid.”
My ex boyfriend is a bully and as much as I would love to blame myself for allowing him to get away with such cruelty I must instead delve deep into my own psyche and forgive myself and move on. I thought we would be able to be civil and mature but he has proven to me that some people cannot change. My only hope is that I can change allowing bullies to kick me so many times; my song of the week has been 'the times they are a changın' and with that in mind I will change and learn from my past mistakes.
Madrid felt so homelike; really relaxing for such a large city. I spent my days sleeping on park benches and exploring the city by foot. My feet are sore and my eyes seem to carry this weight. I am now so slowly enjoying my last month in Europe by taking it easy but appreciating every moment and meditating on the past two months. I've been to so many places and I've met countless souls. I have trouble believing that all of this is real. I look forward to coming home with this new found insight and outlook on life.
I've conquered the 'travelling alone' experience and I must admit that it would be nice to have a partner to entertain me and keep me warm but I needed to do this for myself by myself. I have grown a bit bored of eating alone and exploring cities in silence, the same songs playing over and over on my headphones. '4 3 2 1 what we fighting 4 3 2 1'...
He told me I don't like romance; loves to pass the blame and make me feel inadequate. My question is, how can one accuse another when they're entirely ignorant to the meaning? If I never ate cow balls before (yes it happened in Greece I digress...) it would not be fair for another to claim that I do not like the delicacy. Claim your own findings and leave out all the rest. Only I know me. Caged animals are meant to be free, like you and me. Can't catch a break until the last string wears through. I am judged; judge not, love more, mind your business. Be careful of words; cutting like a knife freshly sharpened. I see the big picture finally; I am on a forever never ending pilgrimage. Going to be like Johnny Appleseed and plant my garden all around the world; afterwards to the moon Alice.
Shooting stars flying across the sky, never attempt to catch one for they are not meant to be owned only adored from a far. If a star is tired of shooting it will find you and chose you and if you deny the star you lose the light. Forever dark clouds covering the hemisphere; choices, must be nice to have a few. Those who aren't acquitted with the luxury of the choice hurt so much more and we must be sensitive to their burnt out souls.
I cannot even begin to explain how much sleep is ımperıtıve to my mental well being. I slept for 12 hours last night and I woke up feeling elated; there is an extra skip to my step; I feel like I am on some euphorıc drug. The land looks more wonderful than it has in days. The clouds are more full and the sun so warm. The Spanish countryside is a sight to be seen; fields, hills, rivers, towns, sheep, dogs, cows. My favourıte are the rounded bridges over the small streams. I would love to travel through Spain again but with a car so that I can feel free to stop whenever I please to take a picture of what moves my ınsıdes. Cows drınkıng from ponds, mountains with snow filled tips.
Now that I have been travelling for two months I am no longer timid to meet others; to just walk up to someone and begin a chat. I beleive this is the common way for travellers. In Zaragoza, I did not make a single friend that was visiting the hostel. I woke up Tuesday morning with laundry in hand and walked up to reception. I started asking my questions to Eric, the staff at that moment. He showed me where to do laundry and after hanging everything on the line in the alley I picked his brain a bit more. He gave me great knowledge of the town. He is from Belgium and he has lived in Canada and Mexico before Spain. I think that making friends with the hostel staff makes for the ultimate experience. They are always from somewheres other than where you are currently at and they understand the lonliness of the lone traveller. (Not to forget, if it´s 4am and you have the munchies they also have access to the toast; high five dude-i-forgot-your-name in Camden Town).
It was 3pm by the time I had a pair of pants dry enough to wear and Eric´s shift was about to be over so he invited me to Tapas. I was so happy because I´ve been making dinner at the hostels lately due to the fact that it can be a bit sad to sit alone in a restaurant. I´ve done it regardless, but it is no where´s near as much fun as sharing tapas and stories.
In Alicante, I got to hang out with one of the staff one night. She took us to the best spots and showed me the trampoline in the middle of the street. I beleive her name was Hannah, and that she was from Sweden, it is so hard to keep track when you meet new people everyday. The extremely nice dude working there, Alfie, turned out to be the owner of the hostel. He is from Miami and while travelling he decided to open up his own hostel called Alicante X. After I discovered this I non-chalantly told him my plan was to open up an Alicante Y accross the street. It´s a chromsome thing. I was messing with him and he actually offered me a job.
I don´t expect much from people and therefore little things make me so happy so quickly. It is so simple to put a smile on my face. The problem with this is that it is so easy for people to never do anything or say anything nice for/to me and I will still treat them like my best friend. But every now and again I get shown an act of kindness and then suddenly I know that which I´m missing.
My Pamela and I made two friends while in Athens. These two awesome dudes are from Guinea but are trying to make a life in Athens. They speak more french than anything else but we got along fine. They invited us over for dinner one night. Papi cooked us fish and plantain.
While he was cooking I just couldn´t help but think of how sweet it is to be cooked for. I am so accustomed to being the cook in the relationship that when I see a man cook for a woman it melts my heart. My friend Kelly (boy) cooks for the love of his life, Joey (girl) almost every time that I´ve been over to their apartment. I never wanted to be one with high expectations in life because disappointment is such a big fear for me. I hate being let down, so it´s best not to expect anything. However, my way has not gotten me that which I need or want as of yet so perhaps I need a new out look on life. I am not about to make a list of what I want from a man but in time, when I date again, I want a man that will cook for me too. Not every day but maybe to just share in the craft. There is not much wrong with equality in my eyes. I shudder to think that I was actually in a relationship that when I asked him sweetly in the morning if he would like me to make him a cup of tea and he responded so rudely that ¨he didn´t fucking care, it doesn´t matter¨ as he stomped his way over to my computer to search facebook for ´hot chicks´ that he has never met in his life. Sorry for the digression but I have some skeletons that need hanging out to dry.
I´m bored of compromise. Eventually, I need a man who thanks me when I serve him something. One whom does his own laundry. Plans and makes his own lunch in the morning because it saves money. This is how I understand life and I want a partner in this and not a fighter.
On my travels I´ve had some good experiences at different times with real good men. I do not mean this in a sexual manner, I wish I did not have to make that clear. But boys automatically think, oh, single, travelling alone, I´ma gunna plant that seed. I do not view life this way. I am not interested in many, I am interested in one good man or just making friends and sharing meals and life things.
One night I got some groceries and my friend had the other ingredients. Together we cooked dinner and then served our other friend. To thank us he immediately took the dishes and cleaned them all. Holy crap, the idea that this simple act of mature equality warms my heart must mean I really need more expectations from people. Time to turn a new leaf.
In Sicilia, our gracious host, Massimo and his friend, Guisseppe insisted on cooking Pamela and I dinner. We ended up helping out too and this is what it looked like:
I have travelled along the Spain coastline from Sevilla to Malaga. From Malaga to Alicante. From Alicante to Barcelona, including a day trip to Figueres. I´ve realised on this trip that I cannot see everything. There were so many places that I wanted to pass through but if I had done so I would not be able to explore enough of each place I visit. As well, more trains and busses means more money. Lugging a heavy bag around for months is not the simplest task. It makes me need to stop in a place for longer than a day to give my legs and back a break.
I gave Barcelona 5 days. Today is day 6 and I am off. It was hard to leave, I could easily have stayed another week. I did not get to half of the places I wanted to see but I did take the time to find the obscure cafes and bars, to meet new people and sit in a park and stare at the passerby´s. I bought fresh fruit, cheese and meat from the market.
I met locals and travellers. I walked the streets and saw the most amazing architecture that I´ve ever seen in any city I´ve been to thus far. I had the absolute pleasure of being one of the first guests at an amazing hostel run by fellow drifters. The beds were brand new and I got to christian them with my drool.
This past week has been the hardest for sleeping. I got really exhausted and worn out. Started getting loopy and losing my thoughts. Grabbing zzzz´s for mere minutes on trains. I almost let my fatigue get the better of me. My new friends wanted me to go out with them Friday night but I had to decline. I ended up chatting ´till 2am with Phillipe, one of the hostel owners, then went to bed. Within an hour my 5 roomates came home and did not oblige the common hostel ettiquette. In a hostel, the rooms are known for areas of sleep. There are common rooms to hang out in and then there´s the bar that you just came from that you do not have to leave if you are not yet ready to sleep. In a room of 6, it was 5 against one, it´s the hostel way of bullying I suppose. So these kids chatted and giggled like fucking school girls for hours. Finally they quieted down for a couple of hours. Then their alarm went off at 7:30am. It took awhile for them to shut it off, they got up and began play fighting, playing on the laptop and giggling and chatting. I thought they must be leaving to go out so I figured I´d wait it out, cancel my plans to go to Figueres until Sunday, and sleep once they left. But then they just went back to bed at 8:30am. What the fuck was the point of that? So here I lay, exhausted beyond belief and annoyed to fantasies of murderous rampage. So I said, Fuck it, CARPE DIEM!! I can sleep when I´m dead. I got up, I showered and then I got the fuck out of there.
I got to Figueres and completed a dream I have had for over 10 years. I got back to the hostel at 9pm; gone for 12 hours. Retarded and tired but I promised my hostel mates that I would party with them and I am a woman of my word. In the end, I lead 12 people (including the roomates) to the streets. Why they put the most whacked out person in charge is beyond me. Half of them wanted a club the other half wanted a bar then a club. So I walked them down a side street and a woman was handing out flyers for free shots so I said, OK our first stop on my pub crawl is the place that gives free shots. I found the couch at the back and sat my tired ass down. The music was groovy, just the way I like it! I had one beer and one shot and I started chatting. I ended up talking to the people who work and frequent the bar so when my mates decided it was club time I just stuck with my comfy couch and groovy music. I ended up sticking around ´till long after the bar was closed and singing along with the staff. The bartender´s name was Africa and she sang like an angel. Ironically, Phillipe had showed me this Stand By Me video before heading out that night.
I had to whisper the lyrics to Africa because she did not know them but sang so beautifully I just had to hear it. Sunday came around and my asshole roomates pulled the same crap on me again. I hope they fall off a cliff. I´m not even joking. The world is over-populated as is, no one is going to miss those ignorant french students. I guess the apple doesn´t fall far from the tree. I woke up exhausted still but I managed to get another 2 hours in after the dickheads finally bounced.
I was too tired to climb le mountain so I just chilled on the couch in the living room. Phillipe let me use his compter but I didn´t end up getting much research done because I got to chatting to the homeland. It is hard when óne has been gone for so long. I want so bad to chat and share stories but I need to research too. I´ll be home in a month, I shall share all adventures then (while everyone sits around on their iphones...). The hostel owners asked me if I would like to have dinner with them and I said, I will never say no to food! Phillipe made the greatest carbonara, which brings me to my next post.
So after my last blog I totally just joined the table closest to me and made some great new friends who gave me a cupcake for my birthday!! And we created the greatest team called Austranada!
Last night I celebrated my last day of 27. Today I celebrate my first day of 28... or 18, which I could totally pass for.
Today is day 50 on my journey. I made some great friends in Alicante, the hostel was practically empty which made for a better experience in my opinion. I even got offered a job at the hostel if I ever want to go back and live on the beach. Sounds good to me.
Barcelona is beautiful, I havn't seen much but I cannot wait to explore. I get a little down on my birthday I don't know why. I am desperatly searching for a friend to chat to, it makes the lonliness go away. This new hostel is completely full and it seems as if I may just have to go walk up to a table and join an already formed group. It's a hard thing to do. Not too many loners like myself here.
I was going to try the couchsurfing thing today. So I had a host and I asked if we could meet first. I called him when I arrived and he had the voice of a 65 year old man yet his profile said 28. Not gonna lie, it scared me so I refused to meet up. So I came to a hostel and it is too large. It is not quaint or homely like many others have been. It feels like I am in a high school cafeteria but I'm the dumb kid who came back to try and graduate but is obviously older than everyone else.
I'm sure once I sign off this blog I will make a great friend, but as of yet I ate dinner alone and all I wanted was a quick bite and they took so long with serving me and bringing the bill. Times like these I should've caved and got McDonalds...
There is a Gaudi building right next door, when I came out from the metro I was bewildered. Usually when I arrive at a hostel it takes at least a day to make friends so this is normal. It's just that it is my birthday in a few hours and I am all screwed in the head about the Forever 27 club that I just want to get my mind out of the gutter.
Time to collect my thoughts. A lot has happened while on this journey. I ended my relationship weeks ago. I just had to do it. Out of respect I have not blogged the reasons why although I did feel at a point that maybe it would be good for me to let it all out. I have now decided not to give details, it would not be fair to him. I made my choice and I just really needed space for myself to be able to move on. It is hard to break up with someone you love knowing it will hurt the other so much. But I have been hurt and I cannot accept this in my life anymore. I think we will manage to stay friends in the end. I just need time.
Love and men are such a touchy topic for me. I am truly learning a lot about myself and what I need while away wondering and wandering on my own and without influences around. I am a pathetic hopeless romantic. I believe in true love and finding a kindred spirit; ¨-but kindred spirits are so very, very rare; I might as well cry for the moon.¨ (Elizabeth and Her German Garden)
The problem is that one gets too lonely waiting for that perfect match and I am absolutely terrified to give my everything to someone and then one day they decide it is all over. I have known three boys through out my life who´ve cheated on their girlfriends with me. Deep down inside I wanted all of them to pick me over their girlfriend and all three went back to her. I beleive none of them were even honest about it; unless they would like to enlighten me otherwise? It makes me not trust men because I thought all three were honest and decent human beings and that perhaps I was something special. So I am losing a bit of hope.
I am feeling my age suddenly now that I am looming nearer to 30. I must keep in mind that because I am learning so much about myself through my experiences as I grow and change I am suddenly better equipped with the tools to capture my happiness. I wish love and happiness were not the same thing but let´s be honest, we all want to be obliviously happy and in love forever. Couples are going to inevitably disagree and change throughout life so I suppose it comes down to how you disagree and express it to the other. Saying hurtful things while angry has got to be the most destructive thing in a relationship. Usually the aggressor doesn´t even realize or really mean what he/she is saying but that changes nothing. Words linger forever; Once said cannot be erased.
We, mankind, have got to be more wise when we lash out in fury. We have to know how to control our tongue while still keeping the gates of communication wide open. I believe writing or keeping a journal helps. Write out your frustrations then go to sleep and see if you still want to share such anger the next day. If you do then by all means, say it. I am a thinker. I like to meditate on objections long after the moment. I like to come to a sure conclusion and be positive that it is really how I feel. I can see so many sides to situations so I need the time to decipher how it is I feel about it. The problem with my way is that I bring things up days later and by then the partner cannot understand why I just didn´t say it in the moment. I cannot say either way is the right way; it is merely different ways of communicating. We are all so different which is why I believe it to be much more simple to be with a like-minded person. They say opposites attract but that to me will only bring heartache. All one wants is to be understood and loved; when two people are so different you lose the understanding and become so hurt and frustrated. To look at your partner and know that they don´t see life how you see it makes you feel so alone; more alone than actually being alone. Reminds me of the Avatar scene, ¨I see you.¨
(While writing this I was on the beach in Spain and there are boobies everywhere!)
I had these favourite earrings made of coconuts; one is a diamond and the other is a heart. While in a bar in Athens I lost the heart. There is a song that goes ¨I left my heart in San Francisco¨ so I began singing ¨I left my heart in Athens¨ all week. I went to Santorini a few days later and I was explaining the story to my friend as we hiked up a mountain. There were fishing boats in the sea and suddenly their net made a heart shape and my friend said to me, ¨there you found your heart!¨ It made me smile.
While taking pictures of the glorious moon in Malaga it was hard to get a still and clear shot. As I was deleting the bad images I found one image that turned the moon into a perfect heart.
I have so much to say and as soon as I get on a computer my mind draws a blank. So I will back track a few weeks and speak of my amazing race. My last (non-traveling) day in Greece was exactly 2 weeks ago today. It was Independence day in Greece so no buses were working and I lost an hour due to the time change. So Monday morning I got up to go catch a bus to get to the ferry port and the bus for 10:30 was sold out and I had to catch the noon bus. So I waited and caught the later bus. Then I arrive at the point where I had to buy another ticket and switch to the next bus to Patras and had to wait another 3 hours. I watched 4 buses go by heading to Patras and watched people who were on the same bus as me get on and I just sat waiting patiently hoping that my bus was not delayed and that I would arrive a mere 30 minutes before my ferry leaves to Italy. I stayed patient and got to Patras bus station with about 20 minutes to get to the ferry port and also retrieve my ticket from the office. I grabbed a cab and ended up arriving at the port with 12 minutes to spare. I got my ticket and ran to the boat as they were beginning to take off the chains and set sail. I made it. I was relieved. Since it was my second time now taking that long ferry I quickly snagged myself a whole row of seats and went to bed at 7pm knowing that I would be in and out of rest all night. I arrived in Bari the next day and immediately bought a ticket to Napoli. Everything worked out smoothly. I summoned my turtle instinct the entire time and it gave me such peace.
Oh the turtle. Shall I explain this one without sounding entirely crazy? I had a moment with 2 turtles during my second stay in Athens. They came after me. It was surreal. Then I realized what a turtle I am. How when I was a little girl I would hide under a table when I was upset. Or how I slept in a sleeping bag for so many years feeling safe inside my shell. How I act so tough and like nothing bothers me but deep down inside every little thing effects me I just do not speak up about it. How I move slow in life, late to travel but waiting for the right time. I now love turtles. It´s my new thing.
So it has been a while since I was at the Vatican but I thought I would update a little bit while I have use of a computer. So all I could think of while at the Vatican was...
My bag is re-packed, clean and tight. My clothes are so fresh and clean, the fruits of my labours. I love doing my laundry by hand and finding strange places to hang them to dry, it really makes me appreciate having clean clothes. It is an accomplishment that I am proud of more so than a fancy dress or nice shoes.
I really did not want to leave the Sicilian garden this afternoon, I could easily have spent another week lounging amongst the fig and lemon trees with the mountain view and the sea down the hill but I cannot miss out on the next step so alas I must leave. I will upload pictures soon enough I want more than anything to share the beauty.
While in Alcamo, Massimo our generous host, took us around to all the hidden gems he grew up with. On our first night he took us to the 'Termo' which is a natural hot spring. So magical. The next day he took us to the beach and I obtained some pretty sexy bright pink pants... Ooops... We went to another beach on Sunday where I swam in the Mediterranean for the first time in my life. It was a little chilly but oh so worth it. We rode a scooter and it was so awesome I think I may have to rent a scooter of my own in Spain...
THIS AFTERNOON-- The day is serene. Spotless. Blue and green, my favourite colours, with magical touches of purple and yellow. Oh how beautiful it must be when the figs are ripe and ready to be loved by my belly.
