May 24th weekend is a mere week away. I will be back at home and I was looking so forward to heading up the cottage with my lovlies. However the motherland is not as simple and free as it should be. Last year at this time was not the first but the first biggest at that time display of public ridicule and shame against me. My 3 friends and I drove up north to my buddy Justin's farm. As usual we had tried to depart early in the day but as things always go it always takes a bit longer than planned for whatever reason that does not matter. To digress for a moment: this is another reason why travelling alone can be so great, I have never been late for a plane, train, or bus this entire time. However doing things with others is a hell of a lot more exciting and fun, in life you must take the good with the bad and love it all. So by the time we arrive up north it is well into the afternoon. We needed to set up tents, eat some grub, the usual the normal. My 3 friends whom I drove up with wanted to continue that day to drive another hour and a half up more north to the beach. At that point it was 5pm. For the reasons that we had already spent enough time in a car to get here and do errands, because our host was happy to have visitors, because another group of friends were about to arrive and because another friend was arriving alone very soon and I needed to go meet him on the country road to wave him to the right farm, I made the decision to stay behind and not continue on. I did not think that it would be a big deal. For some reason I was under the impression that I was a free person who could chose for myself where I go and what I do. Apparantly that was not the case that day. Le friend (formally known as le boyfriend) was not happy that I could not be swayed to join them. He beleives that if he wants me somewhere then I must obey and come along; my decision was made and I stayed. I did as I had planned and helped Middlemiss find the farm and I greeted the other crew as they arrived and we all opened beers and started the fire, laughed and were merry. I cooked everyone dinner that night, fed the entire gang. The other 3 friends eventually came back to homebase and I offered them the dinner that I had made. Le now-ex (for obvious reasons) said, "no thanks I already ate 3 chicks for dinner" in a coniving and mean way. By the beach theres a restaurant called "3 Chicks" so he found that nasty comment rather amusing. Now to get to the climax--} The words that so often haunt me. For example it is 9:30am, I awake in a 10 bed hostel dorm room that I have all to myself and BOOM! the memories of something I really need to let go come rushing to me. I am writing this now as a means to perhaps let it go and let it out and maybe it will stay out of my soul and I can be free from this burden. He got on my case real bad in the kitchen that night. He screamed so loud that the friends could hear outside. The ones that were inside quickly evacuated the situation and I felt trapped, scared but more angry and frustrated than anything else. Those friends had went to the beach, they did their thing and came back and that was the plan, so what was the problem? Why was my presence so important and why would someone want to force another so badly to do something that they really do not want to do?
"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!" was shouted in my face. I could not fathom it; there was no war, people were not sick or hurt or dead, the stars were out and the fire was going. What fault was there? For there to be a 'fault' there has to be an action and also a consequence. There were no problems except that le ex did not get his way. Like a child kicking and screaming over and over again he screamd "It's all your fault!" I have a bad coping mechanism that I rely on where I repress that which has the potential to break my soul. So with time I can only remember the big bad words and not all the small and just as bad. I've at times literally held my hands over my ears and sang "lalalalala" with my eyes shut waiting for the harrassment to stop or until I cannot take another minute of it and I run away. He never stops so I always eventually run away. On that particular night I ran out the door to the comfort of my friends by the fire, feeling ashamed that they heard his outburst towards me. I was wearing one of my favourite shirts that boldly states "take it or leave it" written across the front; reminds me of the Strokes and I love the Strokes. He looked at me and said, "I'd leave it!" He was screaming at me to just go and leave and I stated, when I could get a word in, that I was not leaving the house because he was ordering me to do so but that I was leaving out of my own personal choice and free will because I wanted to be outside and away from his ridicule. I did not cry during the fight but as soon as I got outdoors the frustration and anger came flooding out my eyes and I was shaking. I tried to hide it because I hate pulic displays of tears. Joey noticed and tried to talk to me about it but I could only ask for ein moment to breathe. I took deep breathes in and out and oppressed my own tears so that I could carry on and try to enjoy myself that night. The only thing I could have done in that moment to cure my situation would be to have left him for good and I should have because those times of public ridicule only got worse through out the following months.
I am not perfect and I do not always make the right decisions in life but I try my best. I am growing and learning and changing, hopefully for the better, every single day. I need to let go of these moments that haunt me and I don't know how because I repress so much I forget them but then they come back to me like a wave and effect my present life. Hopefully I will learn to let it be, speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
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