JOY

Press Play

I am in a very good place right now.  I have not tried to sell my clothing line publicly in almost 3 years.  I never said I gave up; merely needed some time off to find that drive inside me to push on through.  If I may be so bold into calling what I do "Art", I will say that being in this field of work is difficult.  It has the power to lift your spirits so high when you succeed and likewise drop you to your knees when you fail.  Currently I have a closet full of clothing I have made all by my own two hands.  I have 5 large rubber bins and 3 boxes filled with material I have purchased or been given within the last 10 years of my sewing and designing existence.  I have so much clothes I have made for myself that I have always had trouble getting rid of; I don't wear any of it, I don't want it anymore, but I cannot throw out my work!  I went through all of my bins and boxes last night to see what materials I could use for the new pieces I am going to start working on today.  While going through all my materials, instead of being sad that I have so much material, I had so many plans that I never fulfilled, instead I was brought to tears and filled with joy that I have found the strength to try again.  This time I am taking a new and old approach.  I remember vividly the plans I had for my future when I was 14 and started sewing so I am implementing my old dreams into my new line because the ideas I had at 14 are still very alive inside of me.  Just like my dreams of travelling across Europe were born when I was a young teenager, so was my art choice and every time I succeed in fulfilling these dreams a tiny insecure 14 year old me shouts for joy!

My friend Jes is moving and decided to get rid of a few of her books to make the load a lot lighter.  My first reaction was, NO don't give me any books I have too many!  But then she pulled out some that really caught my interest.  A dream book, I had some real intense and realistic dreams last night that will be with me all day today.  A meditation book, my New Year's Resolution was to learn how to meditate this year and it will happen.  A punk rock Buddha book called "Sit Down and Shut Up", I cannot wait to read this on the beach this summer!  Lastly, a book about spirituality, and with that a quote I would like to share:

Wise Farmer, Wild Horse

A wild horse one day appeared and made its home in a farmer's field.  "How lucky you are to have acquired such a fine horse for nothing!" said his neighbours.  "Maybe, maybe not," replied the farmer.  The farmer's son, who was his only helping hand around the farm, tried to ride the horse.  It threw him, breaking his legs.  "How unlucky for you," chorused the neighbours.  "Maybe, maybe not," replied the farmer.  The young man was left behind when the emperor's soldiers arrived in the village to conscript all the able-bodied young men into the army, many of whom were to die in the war.  Meanwhile, the farmer's wild horse ran away.  "How unfortunate!" cried his neighbours.  "Maybe, maybe not," rejoined the farmer.  The horse returned to his field bringing his entire herd with him.  "What good fortune!" exclaimed his neighbours.  "Maybe, maybe not," reflected the wise farmer. 

Music is my Radar

So I should be working by now but I stumbled across some amazing news that I must share!

I really miss Fiona Apple.  Especially whilst travelling and her music would come on my Mp3 player and I would be saddened that she has not released anything new in years.  I "like" artists on fb in order to receive updates about new albums and tour dates and giveaways and at times I have even learned of free last minute shows through this.  Today as I scroll the news (no offence friends but I pay a tad more attention at times to the artists I like and the Zeitgeist Movement and George Takei etc.) I see an update from John Mutherfluffing Frusciante!  Immediately I assume this is some sort of joke.  John never has a facebook update.  But sure enough he put up a link that has a written message from the man himself about his two new albums coming out this summer!  I read the last few comments on the link and someone else wrote about how Fiona Apple has a new album out this June!  WHOA!  Yeah these are the things in life that get my heart pumping and I am now ready to start a long day of pressing in the basement with so much joy in me I cannot explain!  Who needs coffee on a morning with great news such as this?

http://www.fiona-apple.com/
("every single night is a fight with my brain")

http://johnfrusciante.com/letur-lefr/
(already pre-ordered an album!)

An Unexpected Surprise in the Byzantine Quarter

Home Sweet Home

 A picnic in the park my first Monday home.  Reminded me of Berlin until this dude showed up with a speaker box built into a mobile wagon thing unique to Toronto.  The best part were the people following him with their picnic blankeys!

My Mr. Jones in the glorious backyard.  He has all the beautiful green grass to lay on but he must sit on a bench... Oh Mr. Jones...

 My friend Nina is the most creative gift giver on this planet!  Coconut mushrooms anyone?

Wake Up

First and foremost I would like to state how much music inspires and motivates me.  Awolnation changed my world last year.  Instant groupie I am, already seen them live twice!

I don't always speak up on politics because I have always been so interested in them that I am a firm believer that one must not talk the talk if they are unwilling to walk the walk.  I also have very unconventional views on politics and what I believe will happen and should happen.  

The world is going to shit.  One of the reasons I needed to travel at the beginning of this year was because I am seeing this world come crumbling down and I wanted to hurry up and get out into it before it becomes too hard to do so.

There is a gun pointed at this Earth, some would say that North America is holding that gun.  It is starting to seem to me as if the Earth itself is our only hope to save this planet --} ICE AGE COMING IN 3D to a theater near you...

If the "baby boomers" have a name for their boost in the population then what the hell are we (the children of the boomers)?  The population is ever rising and our Earth cannot support this dramatic increase.  Math cannot be disputed, we know how molecules divide and grow, the same as with money and people.  The more we have the more we can make.  The rich are filthy rich and the poor have no hope.  We (the children of the boomers) have the strength in numbers and I wish we would start realizing that and do something about it.

My solution to my disgust with the world has been too just take care of myself.  I've never been one to force my way onto others or join a group or club;  live and let live and as long as you're not hurting people, animals or nature you won't hear a peep out of me.  I try to do my best in what I think will help our planet grow and survive but it is so not enough. 

While traveling I have seen movements and people raising awareness through music and art and I have found it ever so inspiring.  As a teenager I was always so out spoken and so ready to show the world that I was different and that I would never conform to it's ways.  I still am that same person I just go about it quietly and keep under the radar.  I am bored of keeping the peace and I am about ready to fight.  To stand up to the injustice, to raise my fist and my voice in defiance when wrong is done, to take those who believe in a "hierarchy" and teach them what life truly is about.

"Rules and regulations are a refuge for the incompetent."

I could go on and on about how many stupid and useless rules there are in Canada.  One person does something irresponsible and our government is so quick to make a fluckin' law to abstain the rest of the people from making the same mistake.  They treat us like we are so incompetent and cannot figure out for ourselves what is appropriate or inappropriate behavior.  I do not need to be told how to act or think because I have it figured out by now as a 28 year old woman with an inquisitive and extremely reasonable mind.  I do not litter, I do not drink and drive, I do not steal from anyone or anything and I do not need anyone to tell me those things are wrong or illegal because I can figure it out for myself.  

Before heading to Greece I had so many people warn me not to go.  They said that the people in Athens are dangerous and it is an unsafe time to travel through there.  That was complete and utter bullshit.  The news has North Americans shaking in their panties everyday.  Don't act like you don't know what the "scare factor" is.  Our government wants us to be afraid of the world.  They don't want us to go to Europe and learn from the Europeans a better way of life and they want us to stay on Canadian soil and spend money on our economy.  They make the Greeks out to be crazy anarchists but that is not that case.  What happens in Greece is that people don't roll over and give up when changes in the system occur.  The people stand up together and take a stance and speak about politics and implement changes however they can.  They are loud and out spoken and that is why it makes the news.  If the bus prices go up in Athens, the people don't ride the bus for a week.  When the bus prices go up in Mississauga people shrug their shoulders and claim helplessness.  I look at the bus driver and say "WTF!?" then everyone on the bus looks at me like I belong in the looney bin.  Well I think that all of those people who do not think that $3.25 is an absolutely ludicrous amount to pay for one bus ride are the crazy ones.  

Dear Hazel:  I got beef.

I have come to many realizations while abroad.  Not that it takes someone needing to bounce half way across the world to come to such epiphany's, however in my case it has clearly contributed.  I am free to decide.  I have always known this but I give in to pressure so easily.  I am so ready to keep the peace and just shrug my shoulders and move on.  When I have at times stood up for what I want and know to be right I get grief from those who have a different idea of the situation.  I am free to decide and so are you.

If one chooses to believe the rantings of a mad man we would all be a bunch of Nazi suicide bombers.  I have always been assertive in my choice to take what others say with a grain of salt.  For entertainment purposes, listen to everyone.  But people please, I beg of you, learn the facts for yourself and question everything.  Come to your definite decisions with your own free will and choice.  Act on things not based upon what others say to do but act because you know in both your mind and heart that it is the right choice.  

Learn.  Love.  Grow.  Be.  Free.

...and when you are a woman and it is that time of the month, listen to heavy metal alone and leave your family, friends and loved ones out of it!

The Garden

One day while me and my cave mates were wandering around Oia, Santorini, we stumbled upon this tiny little book store where I found the book that ended up joining me on the rest of my journeys.

Sitting freshly upon a table near the back of this nook of a shop was a book called "Elizabeth and her German Garden" by Elizabeth Von Armin.  It kinda just winked at me in this sneaky way so I picked her up and opened to a random page.  I often use this device when searching for new randomly chosen books:  I open up to a random page then read it and if the words spark my interest I get the book.  On this particularly special day I opened onto page 33 and it went like this:

May 16th. - The garden is the place I go to for refuge and shelter, not the house. 

In the house are duties and annoyances, servants to exhort and admonish, furniture,

and meals;  but out there blessings crowd round me at every step-it is there that I am

sorry for the unkindness in me, for those selfish thoughts that are so much worse than

they feel, it is there that all my sins and silliness are forgiven, there that I feel

protected and at home, and every flower and weed is a friend and every tree a lover.

When I was much younger than I am today my family and I would always get the garden ready for the summer on May 24th long weekend.  My father would take me to the garden store and let me pick out herbs and veggies.  Since I have gotten older I have not been spending May 24th long weekends at home.  I always try and snag any opportunity to get get out of this wretched city and into the peaceful countryside or glorious wilderness of beautiful Ontario.  I've been travelling and on the road for 3 months and this is the first week I am home.  I have a scritch in my throat that sneaks up on me and sends me into a coughing and choking fit.  For these reasons and a few completely silly others I decided I must stay home this weekend and take it easy.  Enjoy my bed.  Enjoy my garden.  Usually outback is over-run with my parents but this weekend I took part in their back yard fires and barbecues.  Sunday came and my mom asked if I wanted to help with the garden.  I do not sit still often and I rarely watch tv so I jumped at the opportunity to spend the day in the sun overturning the soil and planting a vegetable and herb garden!

breaking the soil

Creepy Crawly's

Fini!

Garden Philosophy:  Quotes taken from Elizabeth and her German Garden...

"-peace, and happiness, and a reasonable life,..."

Perspective:

"Humility, and the most patient perseverance, seem almost as necessary in gardening as rain and sunshine, and every failure must be used as a stepping-stone to something better."

"Happiness is so wholesome; it invigorates and warms me into piety far more effectually than any amount of trials and griefs, and an unexpected pleasure is the surest means of bringing me to my knees.  In spite of the protestations of some peculiarly constructed persons that they are the better for the trials, I don't believe it.  Such things must sour us, just as happiness must sweeten us, and make us kinder, and more gentle.  And will anybody affirm that it behoves us to be more thankful for trials than for blessings?  We were meant to be happy, and to accept all the happiness offered with thankfulness - indeed, we are none of us ever thankful enough, and yet we each get so much, so very much, more than we deserve."

Relationships:

"...because I don't love things that will only bear the garden for three or four months in the year and require coaxing and petting for the rest of it.  Give me a garden full of strong, healthy creatures, able to stand roughness and cold without dismally giving in and dying. I never could see that delicacy of constitution is pretty, either in plants or woman [or men].  No doubt there are many lovely flowers to be had by heat and constant coaxing, but then for each of these there are fifty others still lovelier that will gratefully grow in God's wholesome air and are blessed in return with a far greater intensity of scent and colour."

Responsibility:

"If your lot makes you cry and be wretched, get rid of it and take another; strike out for yourself; don't listen to the shrieks of your relations, to their gibes or their entreaties; don't let your own microscopic set prescribe your goings- out and comings-in; don't be afraid of public opinion in the shape of the neighbour in the next house, when all the world is before you new and shining, and everything is possible, if you will only be energetic and independent and seize opportunity by the scruff of the neck."

Streets of Night Paris

Streets of Paris

Underground of Paris

I must admit...

I must admit that I am so excited to be home!  I think that if I had to leave a week ago it would have been too soon and that if I had to stay one more week I would have cried.  Timing is working out perfectly.  I left London early this morning and it was raining and gloomy; I arrived in Toronto today and the weather is so warm like summer and the air smells so fresh!

I must admit I am now learning that perhaps people have been actually reading this blog! I have kept these personal endeavors off facebook purposely because if one puts such thoughts up on the good 'ol fb you are pretty much forcing your friends to take a gander and form an opinion.  Here it is your choice to read about me and I hope that the people whom are reading it are doing so for positive reasons.  I have been quite candid at times but I've been doing it as a means to let things out and the reason I have been doing it openly is because I hope that maybe by me sharing and being totally open and honest about my experiences I can inspire others to do the same.  We are all human and have so much in common and it feels great to be an open book and have no shame.  After I write about things I am letting them go and this really has become very therapeutic for me.

I must admit I almost got a tattoo while in York to commemorate my travels but the shop next to my hostel was all booked up.  I plan to still get this done very soon and am deciding on who to ask to help convey this image.

Technically it is 5am in my head but at home it is just hitting midnight.  I must simmer down and head to bed and sleep for the next 12 hours!  My friend Jen and my mother came to pick me up at the airport today and I was tearing up it made me so happy!  I cannot wait to continue to see friends this week I miss people so much; as they say "distance makes the heart grow fonder".

Full Circle

It is so nice to be back in London where I began this journey of mine 3 months ago.  Even better it was nice to get off the train and pull out my oyster pass that I have saved over the months and know exactly where to go without a doubt or a worry.  The weather is swell and I have been out all day buying gifts for my friends.  I said I wouldn't get souvenirs for anyone but it is just too hard not too!  I am now broke and need to find a cash machine!  I went out dancing last night and I had a great time!  I love dancing.  I used to be so shy about it and felt like I wasn't good enough but now I just don't care.  I love letting go and being free without worrying what others may think!  Through out my time here I have danced to "I'm sexy and I know it" numerous times and I am sure a few friends at home would be very proud of me!  Last night I was on a mission to hear some good rock and roll and dance my ass off and I did just that.  As well as topped the night off with a lamb shish wrap, mmmm.  I am soooooo pumped to be coming home; as excited as I was to leave and I believe I will get no sleep and probably come down with a cold again!  It is all worth it.

Nutrition

It is very important for one to get their daily dosage of fruits and roots!

Take it or Leave it Part 0

May 24th weekend is a mere week away.  I will be back at home and I was looking so forward to heading up the cottage with my lovlies.  However the motherland is not as simple and free as it should be.  Last year at this time was not the first but the first biggest at that time display of public ridicule and shame against me.  My 3 friends and I drove up north to my buddy Justin's farm.  As usual we had tried to depart early in the day but as things always go it always takes a bit longer than planned for whatever reason that does not matter.  To digress for a moment: this is another reason why travelling alone can be so great, I have never been late for a plane, train, or bus this entire time.  However doing things with others is a hell of a lot more exciting and fun, in life you must take the good with the bad and love it all.  So by the time we arrive up north it is well into the afternoon.  We needed to set up tents, eat some grub, the usual the normal.  My 3 friends whom I drove up with wanted to continue that day to drive another hour and a half up more north to the beach.  At that point it was 5pm.  For the reasons that we had already spent enough time in a car to get here and do errands, because our host was happy to have visitors, because another group of friends were about to arrive and because another friend was arriving alone very soon and I needed to go meet him on the country road to wave him to the right farm, I made the decision to stay behind and not continue on.  I did not think that it would be a big deal.  For some reason I was under the impression that I was a free person who could chose for myself where I go and what I do.  Apparantly that was not the case that day.  Le friend (formally known as le boyfriend) was not happy that I could not be swayed to join them.  He beleives that if he wants me somewhere then I must obey and come along; my decision was made and I stayed.  I did as I had planned and helped Middlemiss find the farm and I greeted the other crew as they arrived and we all opened beers and started the fire, laughed and were merry.  I cooked everyone dinner that night, fed the entire gang.  The other 3 friends eventually came back to homebase and I offered them the dinner that I had made.  Le now-ex (for obvious reasons) said, "no thanks I already ate 3 chicks for dinner" in a coniving and mean way.  By the beach theres a restaurant called "3 Chicks" so he found that nasty comment rather amusing.  Now to get to the climax--} The words that so often haunt me.  For example it is 9:30am, I awake in a 10 bed hostel dorm room that I have all to myself and BOOM! the memories of something I really need to let go come rushing to me.  I am writing this now as a means to perhaps let it go and let it out and maybe it will stay out of my soul and I can be free from this burden. He got on my case real bad in the kitchen that night.  He screamed so loud that the friends could hear outside.  The ones that were inside quickly evacuated the situation and I felt trapped, scared but more angry and frustrated than anything else.  Those friends had went to the beach, they did their thing and came back and that was the plan, so what was the problem?  Why was my presence so important and why would someone want to force another so badly to do something that they really do not want to do?

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!" was shouted in my face.  I could not fathom it; there was no war, people were not sick or hurt or dead, the stars were out and the fire was going.  What fault was there?  For there to be a 'fault' there has to be an action and also a consequence.  There were no problems except that le ex did not get his way.  Like a child kicking and screaming over and over again he screamd "It's all your fault!"  I have a bad coping mechanism that I rely on where I repress that which has the potential to break my soul.  So with time I can only remember the big bad words and not all the small and just as bad.  I've at times literally held my hands over my ears and sang "lalalalala" with my eyes shut waiting for the harrassment to stop or until I cannot take another minute of it and I run away.  He never stops so I always eventually run away.  On that particular night I ran out the door to the comfort of my friends by the fire, feeling ashamed that they heard his outburst towards me.  I was wearing one of my favourite shirts that boldly states "take it or leave it" written across the front; reminds me of the Strokes and I love the Strokes.  He looked at me and said, "I'd leave it!"  He was screaming at me to just go and leave and I stated, when I could get a word in, that I was not leaving the house because he was ordering me to do so but that I was leaving out of my own personal choice and free will because I wanted to be outside and away from his ridicule.  I did not cry during the fight but as soon as I got outdoors the frustration and anger came flooding out my eyes and I was shaking.  I tried to hide it because I hate pulic displays of tears.  Joey noticed and tried to talk to me about it but I could only ask for ein moment to breathe.  I took deep breathes in and out and oppressed my own tears so that I could carry on and try to enjoy myself that night.  The only thing I could have done in that moment to cure my situation would be to have left him for good and I should have because those times of public ridicule only got worse through out the following months.

I am not perfect and I do not always make the right decisions in life but I try my best.  I am growing and learning and changing, hopefully for the better, every single day.  I need to let go of these moments that haunt me and I don't know how because I repress so much I forget them but then they come back to me like a wave and effect my present life.  Hopefully I will learn to let it be, speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

One Week To Go

Wow. One week left.  I am actually looking forward to coming home; I am missing the special people in my life. I saw a pug at the airport this morning and almost cried.  I try to keep moving along on this journey so that I do not get too attached to places that, let's face it, I may never see again. Who really knows what the future holds except for great promise and a whole new outlook.  I felt a little lost when I left home in February and I am glad to admit that I suddenly see things in my life so clearly and I have all these plans in my head that I want to set forth and accomplish.  I will be continuing to update this blog with stories from my travels as I seem to have been writing on more of a personal level and I would like to get into my stories as a way to remember them and to give tips on things I learned while traveling.

I just arrived in Edinburgh and it looks absolutely charming.  I just came from Amsterdam where I had the absolute pleasure of being whisked away into an 18 men stag party.  Too Much Fun!

Time to go fishing for monsters!  Down in Castle Fragle Rock!

Take It or Leave It Part 1