Education is Empowering

The long awaited Christmas Break is approaching, less than 2 weeks away.  I will say this proudly, I deserve a break.  A break from responsibility and studying.  My brain has just about reached it's full point, I am not sure how much more information I can get in there.  I've been in school since September.  I treat school like a full time job of a workaholic. I have learned more in these last few months than I have learned in the last 10 years.  I am surprised at how well my grades are, it emphasizes to me that I am on the right path.  You get back what you put in.  I am really looking forward to being able to update this blog on all the new and exciting things that I think are worth sharing.

What I am learning is very serious stuff relating to not only health but the environment too.  It has put me in a very different head space.  It is like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.  There is this constant whirlwind of factual information and enlightening mysteries enveloping my every thought and action.  There is no where to go but up from here.  Education is Empowering.  

With each and every new bit of vital facts that I learn I want to shake people and move them into a direction that will make themselves healthier and happier.  It does not work that way.  People will learn at their own pace.  Those that seek it will find it.

Gaia by Archan Nair

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times /July-August

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way."

~ Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

I got blessed with being handed the best and most important job of my life a few months ago.  I also got faced with the most unusual and confusing family emergency at the same time.  For both instances I could not say, "why me?"  No, I know way better than to ask such a silly question.  I must ask, "why not me?"  I accepted the job with enthusiasm and excitement, fully aware of the responsibilities involved, or so I thought.  It had never occurred to me that someone so close to me could become ill and that I could not ask for a leave of absence to help out.  The moral dilemma that springs forth when you feel helpless.  Giving up is not an option.  Running away is not ok.  

I'd been very busy working away at the theater all summer, a job I have been yearning to obtain for years.  It has been a godsend for me.  I am learning the skills that I have always wanted to learn more about, especially carpentry and painting.  I have made amazing bonds with the friends that I work with, bonds that last forever.  I have gotten such amazing feedback to uplift my spirits and self esteem, helping to reiterate to myself that I am worthy of the job.  When my boss walked into the shop one day and looked to me like he was about to deliver terrible news, he said "Hey Trish, ummmm, I have some news, we need you to work behind the scenes on 39 Steps."  I was thrilled!  I told everyone that walked by, "hey did you hear the news?"  I think my friends sometimes think i'm on double rainbow pills... Apparently it was going to be a shit tonne of work and a crazy schedule.  As more duties got laid on my shoulders, the happier and more useful I felt!  THIS was going to be the time of my life.  

Simultaneously, I get a late night/early morning text from my brother telling my that my parents house flooded, way worst than the last time.  I wake up, 8am and immediately call home.  My mother picks up and tells me all about the storm.  I was in shock.  I am living an hour and a half a way and we did not even get a mere drop of rain.  I get to work and my friend showed me the footage on his phone.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing.  My neighbourhood got especially damaged as we live in a valley next to a creek.  I called home everyday, my mother would speak to me for hours at a time, mainly just to let it out.  I bugged my brother relentlessly to go over and help them, he said they did not need the help.  I felt trapped.  I felt homesick.  I wanted to be there to help clean up the mess, to help ease my mother's troubled mind.  I have no car to get home, there is no bus system here.  I sucked it up and hoped things would get better.

I got my course schedule and book list for school during that time as well.  I knew that I must start researching used books to keep my costs low.  My work schedule barely allowed for this to happen but I was able to spend a Saturday afternoon searching  for the best deals.  I bought 10 books, which covered my first 5 courses.  I felt relieved.  I tried to relay the message to my mom, that I was saving money and doing good but she was starting to slip away.  That night I also had an extremely hectic turnaround (a turn around is when we take down the previous stage and build the next one, we work all night long).  The day before, on the Friday, I got a message from my brother.  I was in rehearsals with the actors.  I was given a roll for the puppet scene. I was more than thrilled that I could actually be in the play. I never asked for such a role, I did not expect such a duty, but I loved every minute of it.  My brother told me that my mother was going crazy, that he was pulled aside by our neighbour and warned him that something very serious was up.  I got home from work that night and called my mom, we talked for over an hour.  I was attempting to keep her on the line because I knew she could not hold up her shtick for too long.  As soon as I started telling her about how the play was going she disappeared.  The line was dead.  The first stage of panic set in.  It's crazy that in this day, with all our many forms of communications, I could not find a single neighbours phone number on the internet.  All my friends are scattered, I couldn't think of anyone who could go and check on her for me.  Thankfully, she finally answered the phone 10 minutes later not realizing that she ended our phone conversation in mid-sentence.

Sunday to Wednesday were 12-14 hour days for me.  It was worth it because 39 Steps was the best play that ever crossed the stage.  Our dress rehearsal ended up being in front of a live audience on the Wednesday!  We had a few mishaps the first few days, such as curtains not closing properly, a lamp post falling from backstage onto the stage, a smoke machine breaking down... It all came together, while my home fell apart.  I called home Monday during my lunch/dinner break, it was a very scary phone call.  I will not get into the details at this point, I will say this, I called the Doctor's office immediately and left a message as it was already closed.  The next day my mom was in to see the doctor and given some pretty intense pharmaceutical pills.  It got worse.  I had to be present at work for very long hours and wipe the emotion from my face, on stage for the first time, acting for real.

My only day off was that following Sunday.  I decided that if I can't go home to help I would bring my mom to me.  I was going to borrow a car to get her on the Sunday, but instead my dad offered to drop her off on Saturday before I went into work.  Naturally it was raining that day, I sat shaking and waiting.  They arrived and my mother did not look like herself.  2 weeks of intense stress did a number on her physically.  Psychologically, she was gone.  Scariest day of my life.  I made the choice to call an ambulance, she needed help, sedation, something that I could not offer with my own two hands.  I had two shows that day while my mother was in the hospital, my dad and uncles and aunts checking up with her.  Sunday, my first day off in over two weeks, I was up earlier than usual and off to the hospital.  She was smaller than ever before, but much calmer.  My brother came down to help as well.  It rained again on Monday, the stress got to my dad as well, but thankfully we were already at the hospital when it happened.

Tuesday I was back at work, my dad and brother were back in the city and my mom was released from the hospital under my care.  My uncles were nice enough to check in on her while I was working.  Co-workers were asking me how I enjoyed my time off and all I could say was, "I'd rather be working."  By Friday it was getting difficult for me.  Mental illness is something that I've never dealt with in such an extreme case first hand.  Saturday my dad arrived to take her back home but before they left they came to see the play.  That was a very happy moment for me.  A few days before I had missed my cue to walk on stage and pick up the fence because I had started day dreaming about my mom being well enough to come see me in the play.  I knew she would regret it if she didn't come.  Friday I forced her to walk with me around town and I could not get her into the theaters doors.  So for her to come in the very next day was a miracle at that point.

I got through that time and did not break down.  I dealt with the stress the best I could, by living in the moment.  I watched and worked in that play for 3 weeks, 8 shows a week, each and every time I was thankful for every single moment.  The pressure was on me to walk out of work to help my family but I did not think that was the right thing to do.  When I felt tears forcing their way into my eyes while sweeping the stage before a show one day, I chose life.  Life is always happening around us at all moments, I can't focus my life on sickness and death.  Keeping my duties, kept me in one piece.  After all, what is the theater if not the perfect escape from life's troubles?  I knew that when my mom got better, she would regret it if I had to give up my job.  I was working to pay for my school tuition and I needed every single day of work to accomplish that.  I had said to my boss/friend at work during that time, "I am sorry, I feel like I am not at my best right now."  He said, "But no, in fact you are at your best because you are dealing with so much stress but are still pushing through."  He was right, our best is not when we can do great when there are no obstacles in our way, our best is doing great despite the obstacles.

The play was a hit.  My mom continued to get back to being herself a little more everyday.  By the end of August, my parents were down to party for the Mumford and Sons Stopover Tour in Simcoe.  I took on a job as a driver and scored back stage passes.  Trust me, I did not need another day of work at that point, I worked the entire month of August.  At certain times, my beloved sleep can wait.  Like when I am travelling, and when I am working the coolest job ever at such an amazing festival.  With that extra last minute gig I saved up the final amount I needed for my tuition.  The following weekend I came home with a check in hand.  I walked into my schools office and payed for the entire tuition in full.  The most money I have ever spent in one transaction in all my life.  A very proud moment indeed.

Don't Let Your Possessions Possess You

Often I find messages come not only once but repeat themselves.  For reasons I do not know but it forms a thought, or concept if you will, in my imagination.  I re-watched 2 movies recently that I thoroughly enjoyed the first time around.  I am great at forgetting things, or perhaps I am just good at being in the moment and therefore forgetting my preconceived notions of it in order to look at it upon with new eyes.

House of Sand and Fog. (Director: Vadim Perelman, Story by: Andre Dubus)
What I took away from it the first time around was the sadness of this woman and the attachment she had for her home.  Having never seen a movie that touched on the topic of house possession it intrigued me and I felt it to be quite original.  I had experienced bankruptcy as a child, and knew all too well what it was like to continue to drive past the old house long after ownership had been removed;  What it felt like knowing I had to leave a place where all my memories of my family and childhood were held so tightly.  I had a hard time letting go.  Watching this film the second time around, I realized that I had forgotten the ending of the movie.  I had also forgotten about the relationship of the woman and the police officer.  I looked upon that relationship seeing a man in an authoritative position preying on a woman's vulnerability, something I had not thought of before.  The story however is about a woman who has lost her family's home, unreasonably.  And a man who finally found an opportunity through this to be able to give his family a future that had been taken away in his native country.  Neither man nor woman could give up on their possession, this house.  The ending is absolutely heart wrenching.  There is so much more to life than possessing a home, holding onto it because it reminds you of another time, as if that time does not exist without the possession.  Well I must tell you, the precious moments exist no matter what.  Let go of what you think reminds you of a happy time, if it is an object, that moment exists infinitely no matter what.  It exists in our energy.  Every moment is a part of you, good or bad.  It is not worth losing your life, morals, family over a few riches.  Losing ones mental stability to hold onto something that was never really yours in the first place.  Getting caught up in another's pain hoping that it will bring you further to your greatest desires.  Chose to let go before you lose it all.

"Behrani: [to his son Esmail] Pesaram, she is a bird, a broken one. Your grandfather used to say that a bird which flies into your house is an angel. You must look upon his presence as a blessing."

Match Point.  (Written and Directed by Woody Allen)
First of all, I need to go on a Woody Allen binge and watch all his movies.  What a creative guy, over flowing with dialect!  What I remembered most about Match Point, before watching it again recently, was the surprise twist at the end.  Totally unexpected from what I am used to from Mr. Allen.  The lead character in Match Point would sell his soul for prestige, money, a lifestyle.  He married a woman because she came from wealth and could offer him a job and life that he would not have been willing to work towards on his own.  She was pretty and nice.  But as soon as a blonde bombshell sparked his attention he acted like he was totally in love and found his soul mate.  I would have routed for love, but it turned out he never loved her either.  It is hard to speak of this film without giving up the story line entirely.  The point is, he could have had a family with a woman whom he shared a great deal of passion with but instead chose a lifestyle.  What he did to hold on to this lifestyle was absolutely disgusting and unforgivable. The problem with this story is that they make this evil opportunist man a lucky bastard.  He won a life of stagnant possessions, something I personally can happily live without.  I mean really, what is life anyway?  An opera where you live vicariously through others adventures?  An expensive glass of wine and fishy caviar with company that doesn't so much as put a smirk of a smile on your smug face?  This movie is a beautifully appalling masterpiece that I cannot relate to whatsoever.

I Dreamt A Dream

Today was my first day of school, a day that I've been anticipating since before I even chose the school and enrolled.  During orientation this morning, the instructor spoke about the importance of dreams; how there is so much hidden meaning and if we can tune into these unconscious moments we may find clarity or messages to help us on our path in life.  I had been having dreams about sitting in a classroom since I left the classroom about 10 years ago.  More so recently, more vivid and knowing it was aimed towards my future and not one of the wandering my old high school hallways.  I've been prone to déjà vu my entire life, but in the last few years it has been more real.  I can distinctly remember that these so called "déjà vu" moments are in fact memories of my dreams.  Dreams being the more surreal version and life far more practical or normal.  Simple things like the sunset, or a conversation, a moment that I know I dreamt about.

I started paying attention to my dreams at a young age so I learned how to control them and also remember them afterwards.  In a dream, sometimes I know I am dreaming and I act in a way that I know I could not in regular life.  For example, to escape a bad situation I just flap my arms and fly, I soar.  I know how it feels to fly, in fact it feels more real to me than the fact that I cannot in waking life fly.

Another all too common reoccurring dream is of my placement in Port Dover.  Funny enough, even after giving up on trying to find work in that special little town, it pulled me back.  I mean that in the truest way.  I really did not want to go back there this summer.  I didn't get the job I wanted after a few years of trying and a friend who was born and raised there decided to, gosh, for lack of better words, hate me.  When I was offered a full time position for the last 4 months I had to take it, even through my hesitation I knew I belonged there.  I know I have a connection with the land, my roots are dug deep into the Norfolk County soil.  I dream all the time of my life there, I am not surprised I ended up there for a nice while.  I am also not surprised that when my boyfriend came and picked me up to bring me back home, the rain hit.  The rain hit hard, so bad that his windshield wipers stopped working and we had to keep pulling off to the side of the road to wait it out.  I knew the land was trying its darnedest to keep me there, but alas I had to move on.  For school.  For family.  But the future holds more.

Inspiration

I had the pleasure of seeing Jody's Frog Sanctuary this past Sunday!

Life is Funny Like That

A few months ago I got pulled over for the first time and got my first ever speeding ticket.  On my way to the destination that morning, someone was driving absolutely erratically; weaving in and out of traffic, cutting people off, speeding and riding asses.  At the same time someone else was driving towards me on the wrong side of the road; if I were a mere few seconds later the person would have driven into me.  I was shaken up, I thought to myself, where are the police when you need them?  Sure enough, down that road, coming down a hill, I got waved down by a pesky copper.   I got busted going 20-something over the speed limit.  I have since driven that same route, a few times with another passenger, and there is not a single speed limit sign to show that the speed limit drops from 60 to 50.  I was clocked coming down a hill.  I was upset at this $109 (some odd dollars) speeding ticket.  There are so many horribly insensitive aggressive drivers on the road.  My ticket was uncalled for.  I am not saying I am above the law, but I am not a threat to society.  These laws were made to aid the public, not make life harder on them.  I took this particular day to heart because I was already feeling beat up and let down by life and society.  The fine, was the icing on the shitty cake. 

I ended up fighting the ticket.  It caused extra stress but I am happy I did it.  I  got my fine reduced and no demerit points were added to my insurance.  I have so many reasons as to why I do not deserve that ticket.  It got me questioning the system even more, this ever so failing system that we keep protecting.  A pig sitting at the bottom of a hill is not protecting society from real criminals, what those “officers” are doing is raising simple people’s insurance rates.  They are burdening our court system with meaningless counsels.  You know, after 12 years of driving and never having a ticket or causing an accident, my insurance rates could have gone up for not holding onto the breaks while gravity (not the gas pedal) took me down a hill.  It is not as if my insurance will ever go down for good behaviour, so why should it go up for one slip up?  I was not having it.  I deem this unacceptable.  I encourage everyone to fight their useless tickets on the grounds of entrapment and capitalism.

I could go on but this was 2 months ago and I am over it.

It was a long and cold winter, the longest and coldest ever.  A year ago I was travelling and conquering; during the past winter I felt like I slipped back into the dark ages.  Applying to jobs and getting nothing.   Work slowing down; feeling helpless to the matter.  Dreaming so big and feeling hopeless by reality checks .  However, my relationships grew stronger.  My relationship with my parents is better than it has ever been.  My boyfriend is the sweetest man on earth.  My friendships deepening with love and gratitude.  I finally found a school that peeked my interest. 

The week of my 29^th birthday, everything changed.  I fought that speeding ticket and won.  I had a job interview, that I did not get, but that made me feel good about myself.  I went to the Institute of Holistic Nutrition and acted as student for the day.  I invited a few friends over to celebrate my birthday, with no expectations and not much thought into it, and it was the best birthday of my entire life to date.  Everyone made me feel so special and loved; it warms my heart like nothing else.

Since then I enrolled in said school.  I am now officially heading back to school full time in September.

I got asked to fill in as Head of Wardrobe at the theatre I had been trying to find work with (obtaining a short contract 2 years ago) for the past 4 years.  They offered me a full time position as Production Assistant.  My life has done a complete flip turn upside down from how dreary I felt during those winter months.  To have this incredibly uplifting job in this magical little town is all I ever wanted.  It’s funny how life works, as soon as I had given up and decided to take another course in life, it was finally handed to me.   It has been tough staying true to myself and my values, but it has finally paid off.  I am reaping that which I have sewn over the years and it is better than imagined.  I feel respected and appreciated in the work that I am doing and the study that I will throw myself into come fall. 

Life is Grand.  In the last two days I have learned some major carpentry skills and I cannot wait to share all the wonderful little creations that me and the team of wonderful and creative human beings are conjuring up all in the name of magic and fantasy.

I Gotta Get Out Of This Place

Waiting for my ride back to the beautiful lake side town where I will be residing for 4 months with only a bicycle and my walking feet as my form of transportation.  I have been there for 2 weeks already and I gotta say, I have trouble adjusting into the city life very quickly.  I am done with the city.  I have had enough of the city.  I have a lot to say on this topic...