“Nothing ever goes
away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron
There is a big difference between “standing up” and “teaming
up”. First of all, there is no such
thing as “sides” and thus “taking sides” or choosing a side in any matter. There is only life and living it. There is right and there is wrong; there is
good and there is bad; there is freedom and there is enslavement; there is consciousness
and there is delusion. There is
standing up for what is right and choosing to live freely and peacefully, and
then there is blindly going along with the more forceful (seemingly “stronger”)
opinion of another or others. If I
choose to do something that a million other people are already doing, it does
not mean that I am “joining” them in their endeavors. What it means is that I am doing what I want
for my reasons and there just happens to be a million others who have this in
common with me. I am reminded here of
the movie “the Reader” where Kate
Winslet plays a former Nazi prison guard who is on trial years after the war
for her actions during it. This is one
of those movies that delved deep into my psyche where even years later I am
still pondering the message in it. As a guard,
she was given orders by her superior to lead the prisoners into the furnace. Who is the murderer, the superior or the
woman doing her job? Where do we as
humans in our brains justify our own actions as if we did not have any
choice? Where does our “employee” have
more pull over our actions than our own moral code? When I could no longer work for my so-called “friend”
this past summer she told me I had a “problem with authority” when in fact she
is the one who has a “problem with authority”.
Her problem being that she thinks she is the authority, and worse, has authority
over me. It is all perspective; I
thought I was working “with” her and she thought I was working “for” her.
Forgive me as I try my best to puzzle all my thoughts
together to create the big picture.
I have gotten to this place in my head and heart where I hold
no contempt for any one human being who has come in or out of my life. I hold no hate, no fear, no judgement, anger,
resentment, jealousy… I know this because I have felt all these things in my
life one time or another. I have held
onto resentment towards certain people who have deliberately hurt me as far
back as my childhood. I used to pray
that it would go away and ponder if it ever would. I would wonder over and over WHEN it would be
that I could finally be free from such past burdens and truly know the meaning
of “moving on”. The simple fact that
these bullies and wrong-doers no longer have this emotional hold on me anymore
is so fucking awesome. That I no longer
wake in the middle of the night with eyes wide open trying to understand how my
first boyfriend used my family, stole money, and mentally fucked with me with
such manipulative and controlling behaviour.
Let’s be honest, I still think all the things that he has done is still
really incredibly shitty and that there is a way that he could vindicate
himself but I am not waiting around for it, I am indifferent towards him.
For some time, I was still very angry with a
big-fat-round-googly-eyed-psycho-bitch bully who tormented me and many others
in elementary school. This girl was
hitler-esque in the sense that she was able to even recruit others to do her
dirty work. I will only reminisce on one
time now since I am reminded of it in present circumstances. Grade 6, I went home for lunch, I get back it
is the end of recess. Bully girl gets a
few girls to tag along with her and pull me to the side and inform me that there
was a vote and the consensus (let’s be honest that word was not used, these
girls were dumb as shit) was that I could no longer hang out with the group of
friends. The recess bell rings and I
find myself in gym class, trying not to let the sorrow come flooding out, but I
did not have the power. I cried, almost
all the girls immediately apologized and claimed that they did not “vote”
against me, then who did? Perhaps, no
one even cared, bully bitch just made it seem that way. Either way that was a pivotal moment in my life
that took me down a course of Standing Up for what is right. I chose at that point, to never be one of
those people who would purposely try and knock others down. And now, in the present I am reminded of the
smallest of minds from my childhood resurfacing in adulthood.
“Holding on to
anything is like holding on to your breath. You will suffocate. The only way to
get anything in the physical universe is by letting go of it. Let go & it
will be yours forever.” - Deepak Chopra
After high school was long over, I still had much resentment
towards a girl who simulated a friendship with me and all the while had been
spreading rumours behind my back. She did
this as an attempt to gain friendship.
The lesson I learned from this, is that only the smallest minds base
friendships on talking shit behind others backs. How about say something nice, or don’t say
anything at all? That is my motto. Anyway, I spent too much time blaming her for
possibly being the reason why I had not seen friends from high school for a
very long time. At first I blamed
myself but then when I figured out her manipulation with clear eyes I had her
to blame. On a side note, blaming
myself, while unhealthy, is truly the appropriate discourse. I am a much better friend today than I ever
was at 18 or even younger. Life teaches
us so much and I made changes for the better.
Something happened to stop that resentment towards that girl dead in its
tracks. A friend died. I was shocked and it truly was a slap in the
face, that there is so much more to life than stupid moments or people in high
school. I was free at that moment. I was on the verge of my 25th
birthday with no more than perhaps 2 friends in my life. I left a brutal relationship on my own,
knowing that I would be lonely for a while but that I chose freedom over having
someone always there for me.
“Complaining is the
brother of blame. It’s an easy excuse to get a little energy while giving away
control of our life. It allows us to not be the cause of our creation. It takes
us out of self-responsibility.
Do you want to be in
charge of your life? Cut out the complaining and look for deeper reasons why
things are happening. Seek answers and doors will open.”
-Yehuda Ber
"I shall choose
friends among men, but neither slaves nor masters. And I shall choose only such
as please me, and them I shall love and respect, but neither command nor obey.
And we shall join our hands when we wish, or walk alone when we so
desire." | Anthem
While I was travelling in Europe, and outside of the “circle”,
I had too many moments of being overcome with anger and resentment towards the
events of the past 2 years. Mostly these
depressing feelings only came forth when they were triggered. I would find my peace of mind and then be
brutally reminded and be “punched back into the dead spot”. The final straw occurred my first morning in
Berlin where I was couchsurfing at Oz’s.
He had a computer, so when I awoke in the morning (after sleeping in my
own room for the first time in months!) I turned to the interweb. Too many stupid and hurtful words shot at
me. The only reason this was able to
happen was because this person still had the honour of being privy to my life
in a nutshell. My spirit was wounded once
again, and I looked within for an answer to help myself recover. I asked myself, “what would my doctor advise
me to do?” He would tell me to cut this
person out of my life, simple as that.
If that person cannot write to me then they do not have the power to break
me down again. Every time he has
apologized in the past, I let him back in and trusted again which then gave him
the power to knock me down again. I
chose never again.
“When our actions
create discord in another person, we, ourselves, in this lifetime or another,
will feel that discord. Likewise, if our actions create harmony and empowerment
in another, we also come to feel that harmony and empowerment.”
-Gary Zukav
That night, Oz takes me out to show me a bit of Berlin. He immediately sees a change in my demeanor
from the night before. I could sense his
struggle with trying to cheer me up and I was feeling bad for him and trying my
best to be cheerful. Over drinks and an
awkward silence, he asks “what is your most embarrassing moment?” My heart sinks. The last thing I want to do is bring that up
because it is truly fucking embarrassing to the bone. He sees my head go down, does the “oh shit”
look, and I say “do you really wanna hear that?
Cuz it’s not a ‘shit my pants in public’ story anymore…” And YES I would rather shit myself in public
than have the person who claims to love me more than anyone else in this world belittle
and ridicule me in front of a whole room of peers. At this time, I will not allow the emotions to
come forth that such a story could arouse.
Instead, I breathe. I have the
power to think about what is positive instead.
This is why none of these people truly do not have a hold on me
anymore. Within seconds I can healthily
reject negative thoughts. How? Well, for one, I have a homemade pizza with
pineapple and bacon just fresh out of the oven.
Also, because I have season 5 of True Blood ready to be caught up
on. My dog is so cute. The music is so calming. The sun, it is setting. My phone bears a message from my love.
“When you begin to
notice your thoughts at the seed level, the next step to transforming your
reality is to remind yourself: I am the cause. I can change the thought, I can
stop the voice telling me that things are bad. I can decide that things are
good.
Listen to the voice
in your head. What is it saying to you all day long? If you don’t like it, then
stop it. You decide what you think.
You are the chooser!”
-Yehuda Ber
It is true what they say, that we are a product of our
thoughts. Allow for good thoughts to be
habit. Think simply. By simply. Love Simply. It is our choice to not let thoughts stray to the negative. It is not easy at first, but with practice
you can catch those negative thoughts and chose to think about something
better.
All peace comes from within.
Peace can have so many meanings; peace is whatever brings you
peace. For some it is closure, others it
is happiness, or serenity, unity, love… Whatever you call it, know this: It comes from within. “Within” is not just a place we delve to
through meditation; “within” is also not blaming others or expecting another to
fix you. “Fix” being to apologize or return
what was stolen, etc. People do not have the power to fix each other. One must know that only they hold the key,
within, to be at peace with the universe.
Back to the question brought forth by “the Reader”; how do we as humans rationalize such behaviour? How do we manipulate our minds into thinking that what is clearly wrong be made right because we are told to do so by some force or another? All my life I have pondered which path to chose. To stand up or sit down. I have finally made my choice. After all, “It was Edmund burke who once said that the only
thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing… Lesson:
If you put your trust in evil men, they will commit evil right before your very
eyes; and you will be an accomplice to that evil because being passive, is the
same thing as being agreeable...” (excerpt from an inspiring friend)
