LOVE

Every Song.  Every Book.  Every Story.  Every Movie.  Every Action.  Every Decision.  Every Thing...

Is About Love.

It cannot be denied that love is the strongest force on Earth.  "May the force be with you" actually means, "may the love be with you."  Why do we need it?  Why do we search for it?  Why do we deny it's existence?  What is it all about?  Today I talk about the absolute importance that love plays in our life and more importantly, in our world.

Now a Song

Love should be like breathing. It should be just a quality in you, wherever you are, with whomsoever you are, or even if you are alone, Love goes on overflowing from you. It is not a question of being in Love with someone, it is a question of being Love.
- Osho

Love is not just the way we feel about our parents, our dog or cat, our best friends, our lover; Love is way bigger than just a feeling, it is a way of life.  A year ago, I did not know or understand this.  I saw love as something that brings confusion, unhappiness, and compromise along with happiness, clarity, and togetherness.  I saw love as ambivalence and therefore it seemed to me to be the hardest feeling to endure.  How sad and utterly wrong is it that the best feeling in the world brings us so much unhappiness?  To begin, just look at the people who loved the most through out history and what we did to them...

   This alone is enough for one to throw their hands up in the air and give up.  Give up on hope, on change, on peace, on life itself.  But first, read the end of the quote from Mr. Carlin: He says "Apparently we're not ready for that!"  I think that must have been a true statement.  Maybe we weren't ready to understand love yet, maybe the time is now?  I shall explain this concept.  People are mainly unhappy because of the endless mind chatter; humans live in the brain.  Our brain is best explained by dividing it into two categories, the left and right.  Therefore we live in a state of duality.  Our thoughts are in a constant state of ambivalence and then we wonder why there is so much confusion and uncertainty in our lives.

In my research lately, I have been shown the concept that the human species, many many moons ago, lived primarily from our heart.  It makes sense if you look at genetics and see that the beginning of a human is the heart organ; We begin as a heart cell and we grow from there.  So, it is believed by some that all of our decisions were made from the heart and all our actions came from a place of light, truth, and love.  However over time there was a switch and we began to make decisions based upon our brains.  I understand that some right now will go, "of course, we must have acted from our brains to create all the things we know today."  Take a step back for a moment and understand that living from the heart does not necessarily mean not using the brain.  Basically put, at early times if someone had an illness it would be your heart that said "I must save them" and then your heart said to your brain "fix this."  It is all about intention and where we choose to put the time and energy of our brain and if those signals are not being sent from the heart (from love) then it is a fact it is sent from the ego.  We use our brains to benefit ourselves financially and to obtain acceptance from peers.

I am reminded here of the film Frankenweenie by Tim Burton:  A boy loves his dog, dog dies, he uses energy to bring him back to life, dog comes back as a loving creature, other kids try and do the same to their dead pets but all of them come back as beasts out to destroy.  Why is that?  It was all about intent.  Victor brought his dog back out of pure love whereas the others brought their animal's back from pure jealousy of Victor's genius experiment.  Back to real life, Dr. Masaru Emoto conducted "The Intention Experiment" where he took 3 glasses of water and ignored one, sent love messages to another, and sent hate messages to the last.  The results are epic, look it up for yourself.  Here's some easy links:  http://www.highexistence.com/water-experiment/ and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAvzsjcBtx8 .  Think about the fact that the average human body is 60% water and then ask yourself what positive thoughts could do for you.  The same is for plants, one thing I saw at a very early age was my father speaking to the plants in the house.  Speaking kindly to plants has been a normal thing through out my life, so normal that I never thought much about it until now.  

 Shall I digress now?  I say "love" and you say "sex".  There is nothing wrong with expressing love and with being close to another.  However I do believe that so many are out there "spreading their seed" for the pure sake of 10 minutes, maybe less, maybe more, of what they consider pure ecstasy   Not so different from that of a junkie looking to score his next high now is it?  Understand this, sex is the most basic and natural occurrence in the human being.  I truly believe that we should not feel that sexual encounters with ourselves and others is a bad or dirty thing but for so many it has become just that.    This is the downside, what sex has become in this modern world alienates those who see it as something pure and joyful.  Because sex is such a basic principle in the human being corporations have turned it into a frivolous way to exploit us.  It is the easiest way because it is a basic function and common among every one.  By creating such things like the the porn industry or strip clubs, they have taken something that should really be an act of reverence towards another and turned it into a degradation.  People have turned off all attachment to the act and experience in order to feel less.  To some, sex is not different then eating their morning bagel, they take part to get by and carry on.  Well, to this I must shout, OH man are you ever missing out!  Sex is a way to become closer to Brahma, closer to the divine; it is a way to transcend boundaries and learn the secrets of the universe.  If you stop here and say, what the fuck are you talking about, then you are just like the masses and you are doing it for a quick fix.  What I see among people is that they are choosing lovers that they consider to be beneath their self-worth.  They chose partners that do not mirror their importance but in fact demote their very core as a human being.  I see a bunch of people not knowing why they are so unhappy and unfulfilled   It is because they are learning about it through porn, which is an industry feeding off your basic thoughts.  There is nothing beautiful about it.  Unfortunately it is also a male industry and therefore alienates a woman's core needs, no wonder why there is such a divide between the two.

 "Sex today isn’t sex, it’s done out of lust, it’s been programmed into humans and the meaning and purpose behind it has been lost. The sexual energy is a sacred energy, and used from the right place is like another form of meditation, chakra activation and a connection to source."  

~Collective Evolution

  NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION!  We have been living through our brains for far too long now and it has not brought us happiness.  My purpose in life is to be happy.  Ever since I was a child, everything I prayed for, every time I blew out my birthday candles, every time a wished upon a star, a turkey wishbone, I wished for happiness and love.  Now I know that happiness is love.

Break it down now:  The brain is always in a state of duality.  We love someone, so at night we lay awake and think of all the bad things they are capable of doing to us.  We are constantly conjuring up situations that will bring us uneasiness and discomfort.  Our brain chatter is the reason why we are so unhappy.  When I first delved into the Tao Ti Ching, Lao Tzu spoke about how knowledge is unhappiness.  I think that through interpretations concepts got misconstrued   It is not that knowledge makes us unhappy it is the constant mind chatter that causes so much unnecessary pain.  We should be living simply and purely therefore our brain should only be lured for solving problems.  When I was a teenager I realized that I was not like everyone else. I was not easily manipulated and I had a inquisitive mind.  It brought me to a true state of depression.  I dyed my hair purple and I called my peers sheep for what, not following along with me?  I was too young to understand so instead I hid away. I gave up and decided that I could not fight the masses, that anyone who did, died or got murdered.  The best way to beat them is to join them.  Well guess what, that didn't work either.  Deep down inside, the teenager inside of me, the child in me, the adult I am, all screamed "this is not right!"  This is not the right way we are supposed to be living on this earth.  Becoming sad about it does not help.  Being angry does not help.  Doing nothing does not help either.  It is time now.  What time is it you ask?  Time to switch from a duality way of living (ie the brain) towards a unity consciousness, otherwise known as living from the heart.  Being the force within.  Love.

Living from the heart takes practice, it takes time.  I am not fully there yet.  I remind myself constantly of the lessons that I am learning.  I go through past blog posts to remind myself of inspirational quotes, my favourite being Dr. Martin Luther King's "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."  Every time I see, hear or feel someone doing something to cause pain I remind myself that only love can show them the way.  If I respond back with the same energy nothing good will ever come from it.  If I am not able to respond with love I hide away and meditate until am ready to handle the situation.  I want to see the world shift.  I know that myself, undergoing these awakenings so quickly this past year is all in coherence with the shift that is to take place this December.  Are you ready for it?  Are you aware of it?

"Ac Tah, which means “The Man who Talks,” is a Mayan seer who has been transmitting the messages of the ancient Maya to all that are called to listen.  His mission became clear when he was invited by the Ancient Maya ancestors to share their knowledge and to prepare the people to recognize Hunab Ku, the astronomical event that marks the shift of consciousness on Earth. His message is not to wait for this shift in consciousness, however, but to begin changing now. To do this, we must become aware of our current thoughts and patterns of perception, and in so doing, we will become better prepared to receive the new frequencies that are becoming realized at this time." via http://www.seedgraduateinstitute.org/conferences/wisdom-from-the-origins/presenters/ac-tah/

The brain is duality; The heart is unity.  We are all the same.  We all feel the same and it is our life experiences that build us and separate us from what is true.  Judge not.  I do not judge you if you think everything I say and write about is nonsense   In fact I assume that most people will judge me, but I have decided that I will speak my truth anyway.  The more I speak up the more I find common ground.  The more I find common ground I learn about a greater understanding.  The more I understand, the less confused my thoughts are.  No confusion equals happiness.  It is time for us to live in a state of unity.  It is time to shine, like the stars, that which we are.

Do not be afraid of the so called "Apocalypse" that is to come soon for the true meaning of the word is "lifting of the veil" or "revelation".  Knowing the truth is not to be feared, it should not make you hopeless it should bring you clarity knowing that others feel the same.  Through the power of thought, we will manifest the new world.  

Let it be said by me, if this change does not occur.  If people do not shift from the brain to the heart.  I, along with all who do and want better, will leave society as you know it .  I will take my knowledge and use it for only those who appreciate it.  I will not fight with iron fists; I will bow gracefully. 

Namaste

 

Travellure

Two Big things on my mind lately, so I will talk about the easiest topic first.

This blog was intended to be a travel blog and somewhere along the way it became so much more.

So shall I get back to the basics once again?  I GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS PLACE!

"Travellure" ---> A word I made up pertaining to the allure of travel!

I must spread my wings and fly.  When I arrived home from my 3 month gig in Europe I had thought that it would be totally plausible to move to Australia or New Zealand after Christmas.  Yeah right I don't even have enough for the plane ticket and it is almost December!  There is nothing wrong with dreaming big however reality does set in eventually.  The reality being, that summer job that was supposed to be full time for two months, didn't work out.  Selling my clothing line again kept me busy, but I didn't make any sort of income from it.  Once again, my only income coming from the family herbal extract business, and of course a few sewing jobs here and there.  I consider myself someone who works part-time, but does all the time.  I am always doing something; I am always keeping busy.  Whether I am writing, drawing, painting, studying, meeting up with good friends for dinner or drinks, going for hikes, whatever it is I am doing it always.  I am not wasting my life away that is for damn sure and I am proud of that.

I have not bought myself anything new since I've gotten home other than a t-shirt in the summer but only because it was buy one get one free and my bestie had a nice owl one picked out and I didn't want her to have to pay full price for it!  I obviously have bought a few "necessity" type things, not REAL necessities but things I enjoy to make me feel good about myself, like new mascara, mouthwash, tooth brush... I am literally looking around my office for something else I may have bought... OH there's a birthday present for Carson over there... his 2nd birthday is in 3 days but I am not sure if I will get a chance to see him but he is most definitely in my thoughts... I did not spend any money on my Halloween costume this year, I utilized only things I already had.  When I go out I don't spend much, I don't know exactly how I do it but it works.  I've gone to a few concerts and there is a BIG Soundgarden show coming up... But other than that I have become pretty free of buying shit I don't need and it definitely has helped me to be able to scrounge some pennies together.

How much I have grown since coming home from my travels in May is insurmountable; there is no possible means to weigh my growth and label it.  I conquered my dream and by doing that I forgave my past.  I am still overwhelmed with emotion when I think of the day I climbed the Eiffel Tower, the night I smelled the Colosseum in the rain, the afternoon I swam in the Mediterranean, the morning I trekked out to Figueres to see the Dali museum... and on and on.  I feel powerful because I did it all by myself and because I did it on a tight budget.  If I should gear my travel blogging towards any topic it should be that of traveling cheaply.

I believe that I could visit Eastern Europe for a month on a $2,000 budget.  To be entirely honest, I think I could do it for less!  I dare you to dare me!

I keep seeing pictures of Prague and it is driving me nuts that I was so close and thought about jumping over while in Berlin, but knew that I was stretching my time out too thin.  One of the reasons why I got to accomplish so much and see so much last spring in Europe was because I cut my time in some cities really short.  I spent only one night in Napoli and was able to meet an awesome friend from Montreal, find an interesting hang out square at night, wander the ruins of Pompeii (anyone looking to go there I advise to pack a lunch!) and discover a hidden Napoli way underground.  I did all that in time to catch a late night overnight train to Palermo.  While my shortened time in some places still had me conquering unknown lands, it would have been nice to just chill and relax in a park, like a did for a few too many days in Berlin, when I became weary of walking and train hopping.

So I've been thinking that I could do 5 major cities in 4-5 weeks.  Truly experience each one and also the culture.  I feel kinda smart about travel nowadays because I did so much and all by myself with absolutely nothing going wrong.  Well almost nothing... Feeling like I was being followed for half the time was wrong.  I have been hesitant to even explain my new travel ideas in detail because of that.  I have come to the conclusion that I am a free soul and I can freely speak about my plans here on my blog and I refuse to worry about silly things that bothered me in the past.

My plan, my dream, my new adventure springing forth from the depths of my innards:

I've looked up the cost of flights for all the surrounding cities and it looks like Prague is the cheapest at about $800 return.  I'm thinking I could fly in and out of Prague and do a fun little circle being: Prague ---> Vienna ---> Budapest ---> L'viv ---> Krakow ---> Prague

If I have time and money I might also throw in Munich, Kiev and Wroclaw, maybe even Warsaw, but I do not want to put myself in over my head this time.  I am in the researching and planning stages right now which is the most exciting part!

Prague

Vienna

Budapest

L'viv

Krakow

Prague

Calm Waters

Dear People of the Earth

There has been a rise in views on this here blog lately.  I think a part of it is in direct correlation to my post entitled "Goji Berries"; people could be looking up the super food and getting a link to my blog perhaps?  For whatever reason this may be, I would like to invite all listeners to take a more active approach with me.  I share a lot, and I do not know with whom I am sharing with except for a mere few who discuss it with me in person.  I don't want to come off as preachy in all this so it would be nice to turn some of these posts into more of a discussion with my readers.  It feels a little one sided at the moment and it has made me feel a little uneasy.

"The Ten Manners of Life by Yogi Bhajan

If you want growth, you want to glow, you want grace, you want everything, you just need to follow the ten manners of life.
Listen
Feel the Other Person
Discuss and Dialogue
Come to a Mutual Understanding
Plan the Strategy: This must be mutual and you need to understand what happens.
Keep the Communication
Evaluate
Achieve
Exchange Greetings
Be Thankful
These are the laws for every human being to follow."

I've been in calm waters lately.  Metaphors, as confusing as they seem, make the most sense to me.  In my head, metaphors are truly the best way for me to relate and explain.  What does "calm waters" mean to you?  I'll start with the antonym: When I think of wavy waters, I think of fun, excitement, movement, emotional upheaval (good or bad), lack of control, ebb and flow, push and pull, etc.  I love wavy waters, literally this time not metaphorically.  When I go to the beach and I see white caps forming my heart races with excitement and I cannot wait to jump in!  I love throwing myself against the biggest waves, jumping over them, laughing with pure joy, sitting in a floating device and allowing the waves to take me wherever they chose; surrendering to nature.  There have been not so fun times with waves, like the time I was wearing my glasses and a wave came and knocked me off my floaty and they went flying off my face.  I was scared as hell, I looked up to the sky and said, WHY?  Within the minute of panic my toe brushed against something and I knelt down to dark waters and VOILA my glasses were somehow magically brought to me.  It was magic, there is no other reason that makes sense to me other than magic.  The day I lost a pair of 5$ sunglasses at the Sandhills from a big wave. I gave up quickly on those because they were not my 500$ eye glasses needed for seeing!  A few hours later I look into my beach bag and TAHDAH there were my stupid sunglasses!  How could this be?  My friends insisted this was a ghost, which I could easily nurture that type of thought, however this time it would be to illogical and unreasonable I could not give in to such a proposition.  I quickly questioned my friends, the lovers had walked ahead of us down the beach so it seemed more likely that the glasses could have washed to shore, found by them and then they tried to play a trick on me.  Which I did get them to admit eventually; even if they had never admitted this as true, I could see they were lying.  It is damn easy to see when someone is fibbing it is written all over their face, words, gestures.  Who do you think you're kidding?  Anyways, I still think that the way those glasses just washed ashore and were found by the lovers was still a fantastic happening in itself.  This was all last summer and I was absolutely convinced that I could not lose anything even if I tried.  Everything kept coming back to me!  The only way for me to lose something is if I break it!  While travelling for 3 months the only thing I lost (other than a few socks, but socks do no count, there is a sock monster that takes socks into another realm, it's true) was a blue scarf.  A scarf that I liked a lot and was worth about 3 bucks.  It does not concern me because how could it?  It's a stupid scarf!  Which in the end gave me the reason to walk around Madrid looking for a new one and in the end buying some cute new shirts that I really enjoy wearing to this day!  So, like I was saying, I enjoy waves the most.  However I know I would not enjoy those waves so much if it weren't for the calm waters I am experiencing right now.

So I will take my time and float slowly by, recuperating, studying whatever I feel like knowing more about, reminiscing on all my journeys, understanding love on a deeper level.  The metaphysical benevolent universe is here always, not waiting for anyone or for the next wave to come by, it just is.  I will be the wave and the still waters.  I will incorporate everything into my existence and be grateful for it all because without one there is no other.  I will try my best to not get down on myself for doing what seems to be like not enough.

I'm not sure if it has been noticed by anyone, but I often leave a quote at the end of a post that is an intentional foreshadow to things that are on my mind and are to come next on this journey of expression from me to you.

Love should be like breathing. It should be just a quality in you, wherever you are, with whomsoever you are, or even if you are alone, Love goes on overflowing from you. It is not a question of being in Love with someone, it is a question of being Love.

— Osho

High School High School Confidential

I CAN'T GET THIS DAMN SONG OUT MY HEAD!!!

WHY???

10 YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION TONIGHT!!!!

Goji Berries

The interesting thing about having been manufacturing herbal extracts for over 10 years is that I am privy to what the trends have been through out the years.  We press hundreds of different types of herbs so when I see a new one come in it intrigues me.  It sparks my interest even more when I see this new herb start coming in more frequently.  I can't help but ask myself, what's the deal?  For years I have frequently seen such berries like schizandra and chaste tree but lately I cannot help but notice these cute little red squishy things called "goji".  I was at a health food store on the weekend and I noticed that you can actually buy these berries straight up in a pretty packaged bag and eat them like raisins.  They were labeled as a super food and I thought, damn, we must have some healthy birds in our backyard because we toss out the berries when we are done the extracting process.  Believe me, our back and front yard is a haven for the birds where they can get such wonderful treats like star anise or orange peel to name a mere few.  This week I read up on the goji berries and learned of the legend:  "Li Ching Yuen was born in China in Szechuan, expert herbalist, I spend time in the mountains of Tibet. He was born in 1677 died in 1928, to 251 years... It was found that Li Ching Yuen took over his whole life a goji berry soup every morning, along with ginseng root also take regularly."

I also read somewhere this week, that in Tibet where Goji Berries grow in abundance people were living a much longer and healthier life because these berries were falling into the stream where the people would get their water from.  The berries naturally infused itself into the water supply and is credited for the longevity of the community.   

"The Ningxia Hui region of Northern China, where goji berries are grown and eaten on a daily basis, has 16 times as many centenarians -- people 100 years old or older -- as the rest of the country. As residents of the region age, they are much more active, healthy and vibrant than their peers in Western cultures. The small, red goji berry, traditionally regarded as the "longevity fruit," is a key ingredient in their healthy diet as it was in the diet of master Li Ching-Yuen, who allegedly lived longer than 250 years.  The reason is the rich antioxidant content of the berries."
http://www.gojiberrymagic.com/elonyei.html

Here is the breakdown of what these berries are good for:

• Increasing the energy level
• Improving the feeling of general well-being
• Strengthening the immune system
• Protecting and fighting against many types of cancer
• Preventing heart disease
• Lowering cholesterol
• Maintaining healthy blood pressure levels
• Balancing blood sugar levels
• Improving eyesight
• Improving liver and kidney functions
• Strengthening skin, bones and tendons
• Strengthening the nervous system
• Preventing morning sickness during pregnancy
• Conquering cellulite
• Helping in weight loss
• Boosting the libido
• Enhancing fertility
• Delaying ageing

I am getting a pound of these berries this weekend and I will start consuming 20-40 berries a day.  Within two months I will report on the changes, if any, to my quality of life.

Namaste

Remember Remember

"The land of the free?

Whoever told you that is your enemy!"

Rage Against the Machine, Know Your Enemy

Riding a bus to Brampton the other night, I sat in the middle seat at the way back of the bus, you know the seat which enables you to have a clear view of the entire bus and thus everyone in it.  I look around and I see the youth of the community on their iphones and decked out head to toe in name brand that I am not familiar with as I am not up to date on what is considered cool, nor have I ever been.  I have never been a walking brand; I have always been a walking free spirit refusing to take part in the mass deception.  I look at everyone and I think about how most are immigrants; either they came here or their families brought them here with hopes and promises of a better future in the "land of the free".  All I can think of is how they were all lied to.  They were promised a better future in Canada and I don't believe they got it or ever will.  They were convinced to come here so that they can take part in this consumerism culture.  The best way for a company to make a profit is to sell more of that product, the best way to sell more is to sell it to more people.  So bring the people over from all other countries and promise them a chance at a better future.  It was a lie, and if I have any message to give to anyone wanting to come to North America, I would say DO NOT!  People have come here with degrees as doctors and told that their papers are unrecognizable on this here soil.  Kill the spirit, it makes it easier to control it.  I look at everyone on the bus and I think, you and your families, and your families families were lied to.  You were better off staying in whatever country you came from because at least there you had culture, you ate real foods, you weren't subjected to the crap on tv.  Buying name brand clothing does not make you free, it makes you a slave.  Having the latest iphone does not make you free, it makes you a slave to the system.  You are doing exactly what "they" want you to do.  Congratulations.  You are easily manipulated.  Congratulations, people fought and died during the civil war, WWI, WWII, etc. just so that you can turn around and chose to be a slave to corporations.  The thing that boggles my mind most, is how are these kids affording these phones and clothes?  I am 28 and I can't afford an iphone or an ipod.  The answer is this: they can't afford it but they think they can.  The reason they think they can afford it is because they can purchase it on their credit card and pay for it later.  That is not the definition of "afford".  Wise Up Kids!

It is time for the truth.  You are being lied to.  The news, they are lying to you.  Your teachers, they are lying to you.  Your doctors, they are lying to you.  Your government is lying to you.  You have the choice to believe those lies or not.  You think having the latest technology makes you comfortable and happy, then why are you so sad?  How does trying so hard to impress people, to make friends, make you happy?  It's an illusion.  An illusion I saw through at a young age.  A world that now, as an adult who is supposed to be joining into this Matrix by getting married, choosing a career, buying a house, a car, having children, and doing this same thing for the next 50 years, I want absolutely nothing to do with.  I want out.  I chose the red pill.

‎”Music’s at its best when it has a purpose.”

- Eddie Vedder

I have come to the freeing conclusion of making the choice to study towards a new and bright future.  Eddie Vedder says that music is at it's best when it has a purpose and I say Work is at its best when it has a purpose.  I have been working with herbal medicines for over 10 years now; I know a thing or two about herbology but not enough.  I am choosing to become a herbalist.  Since I came to this conclusion, I have been feeling more and more relieved about my future, mainly career-wise.  For the first time in my life I feel that this is the right road for me to journey down.  I want to be able to heal people with what mother nature has given us.  I want to be as connected to the Earth as I can be.  I want to be able to one day leave this society behind and successfully live off the land the way we were meant to live.  I don't want a nice car, a $10,000 ring, 10 pairs of shoes, a condo in the city, I don't want the things I don't need.  I don't want to bring children into this world where they will want to live up to what their friends have.  I want to be healthy, I want to love the best I can, and I want to leave this lifetime a better place than how I found it.

How does it feel to know that your health is for sale?  The Canadian government has been working hand in hand with the pharmaceutical companies for years to convince the public that pharmaceutical medicines are safe and effective in order to obtain a profit.  In school's, students are being lied to by their teachers to help the government and the Big Pharma make a profit on your health (the teacher's don't even know better because the textbooks are manipulated).  This article from Vitality is a must read:  http://vitalitymagazine.com/article/medical-fraud-exposed/ "...cancer incidence is predicted to rise by at least 75% by 2030 wherever "westernized lifestyles prevail,"...the more developed the nation, the more cancer its residence develop."  Let me say, this is a hard pill to swallow, I know.  Why would people want to do harm to others so blatantly and effectively?  A few years ago I was at a party and I was having a conversation with a dude who was studying to become a surgeon.  He informed me that his classmates have chosen to become surgeons, not to help people as the Hippocratic Oath would have us believe, but to make a shit tonne of money.  The allure of profit has undoubtedly made it's way into healthcare.  More like healthnocare. I have known these things for years, however I had trouble truly believing it because let's face it, the truth hurts.  I care about my health and I can't ignore these hard facts anymore.  I am not just going to write about it in this blog either, I am actively making changes in my own lifestyle and I will help any one who wants to learn more about natural medicines.  As I study deeper into herbology I would love to be able to treat my family and friends in order to learn more.  I started years ago by treating myself when I was going through a difficult time of anxiety and stress and clouded visions; I mixed some herbs and created what I call my magic medicine.  After a few months I felt better and made positive changes in my life.  I have been continuing to take my magic medicine ever since but it isn't enough to just get by on anymore.  I want to learn more, I want to change more, I want to grow more and I want to share what I know with anyone who cares about quality of life.  "The truth shall set you free":  http://vitalitymagazine.com/article/medical-research-fraud/

Pièce de Résistance

I've been having some trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep this week.  I was getting so good at it then all of a sudden, BAM!  There's me laying in bed counting from 10-1 then from 100-1 just to focus my brain on something monotonous to quiet down my thoughts.  Last night I discovered that I can count down from 100 and stray my thoughts into make believe conversations and scenarios all at the same time.  I have had times in my life where sleeping was hard and I didn't even look forward to going to bed knowing of what a struggle it could be but it hasn't been much of a problem for awhile.  Many times I play soft music and I find myself falling asleep before the cd is up.  In fact I have a whole spindle of "sleepy" cds that I mixed and put together myself.  So I ask myself, what is different this week?  One major change is that I watched TV this week for the first time in many many months.  I catch up on TV shows I like via the internet but I haven't been able to stand TV for longer than 20 minutes lately.  I hate the commercials, the frequent commercials, the celebrity talk on almost every station, the news reporting on what it chooses and looping it over and over again... I do not have the patience anymore for it.  This week however, it has been raining and gloomy and I have been feeling the weather as usual.  I had finished my herb work for the day both Monday and Tuesday and instead of showering as I would usually do, I went straight to the couch and clicked the switch.  Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives is what I watched both days, a couple episodes each.  I like that show because all the restaurants are independently owned.  Family run.  Maybe the food is a bit on the heart attack side, but at least it's always home made.  It is a dream of mine to own a little restaurant and sell good homemade food.  The world around me, this North American Processed Crap, is over run with chain restaurants.  American chain restaurants.  I've been doing a great job at avoiding them and taking a stand in my life against what is destroying our bodies and our world; Destroying Nature.

"We are mass producing and torturing animals just to be slaughtered, to put meat on our plates and to keep up with high demands and cheap prices for the fast food restaurants. This is entirely unnecessary....

How does this make you feel about our current state as a whole on the planet?"

My thoughts are a never ending circle bringing everything all back to the same thing.  The reason that I can't sleep this week.  What it is I have really wanted to get off my chest for a while now but have not been ready.  I've been touching on things here and there but never fully and completely.  The reason is because there is just so many realms, so many levels, so many thoughts and feelings I can't get into all at once.  I feel like a teenager again who just realized how shitty life is.  Like the day I watched a video showing how chickens were shoved into tiny cages where they could not even so much as move an inch side to side, and they spent their whole lives that way.  Even worse, the genetically modified ones where they became full grown in days just so that they could be consumed quicker.  Oh it gets worse still, the ones grown on a line of tubing without heads.  Yes that's right, we eat chickens that don't have heads because they figured out how to take out the part that was not eaten by us.  That is where science led our civilization, producing chickens without heads.  Forget frolicking through green pastures that's a mother fucking joke.  Humans don't even frolic anymore, why should a chicken?  I was a vegetarian for 4 years when I learned the brutality of the food industry (which I could go on about but there is no point anymore).  I'm beginning to look at chicken again the same way I did at 14. Maybe it's a good thing.  Maybe I gave in the last 10 years; gave up on trying to avoid or explain to people why I wasn't taking part in the meal.  It is easier to just go along with everyone else now isn't it... 

I can't sit idly by anymore.  I can't see the 9-5 rush hour herd of traffic without questioning why is it that everyone works the same schedule?  What makes sense to everyone else makes absolutely no sense to me.  Working 9-5 everyday at a job that you hate, with people you call lazier than thou, spending another few hours commuting back and forth JUST to put a roof over your head and food in your belly.  And the best part is you don't even own that roof over your head.  In fact you are working your life away to pay for it, and if you can't make that last payment, the bank can just take it away from you.  Therefore, you are working everyday towards a debt to the richest people who have more than you will ever have, more than your whole community will ever have, more than a whole country will ever have.  Slaves were given a roof over their head and food in their belly, but at least they didn't owe any money at the end of it all.  North American society is one big mind fuck. 

I started making my own clothing because I watched a MuchMusic special where Sam Roberts explored the conditions of clothing sweatshops in other countries.  While in college, my teacher told us how Roots (a Canadian clothing company that was made on Canadian soil by Canadians therefore employing Canadians) shut down and moved across sees.  They apparently could no longer compete with other companies because everyone at that point was moving across sees for cheaper labour.  She told us that we would never be able to compete in the industry unless we take the manufacturing outside our communities.  Bullshit.  It's not that they couldn't compete with making an earnest living against the others, it's that they couldn't compete with their profits! Profit is a disease.  You make a profit and that's not good enough, you need more.  You make more and that's not good enough, you need to take down and overcome anyone in your way.  You have a monopoly on the entire industry and that's not enough, you buy another industry until you own Star Wars.  How did it get this way?  How did it become socially acceptable to exploit fellow humans?  Where did it become human nature to cease and destroy?  Here's another brain buster for you:  Tim Horton's was bought out in 1995 by an American burger giant, yet I see Canadians loyally buy from them everyday as if they think they are helping our economy.  The prices and sizes of these coffees have steadily been increasing ever since I can remember.  So you have a company that is already a multi-billion dollar franchise raising prices to make even more money, why don't they lower the prices?  They will still make a profit if they steadily lower the prices every year.  You know why they raise the prices?  Because they can get away with it.  Because you will still line up every morning for a fucking coffee.  Why don't Canadians see that they are being taken advantage of and take a stance?  It is pathetic, I am ashamed.   

I've been soul searching lately and finding answers.  One theory is this:  We have a balance of yin and yang, male and female, light and dark.  We need both sides of the spectrum to have harmony.  Consider the two poles male and female.  Let me state shortly, I believe in a spectrum of male and femaleness, some males being more feminine, some females being more masculine, when I use "male and female" I am speaking in a broad term.  I by no means am saying all men are like this: "me tarzan" *beating of the chest*; all woman: "I'm weak and feeble" *cowers in corner*.  I am speaking of the connotations and attributes to male and female, dark and light if you please.  The world has been in a very male state for a long time.  Conquering lands and killing, raping and pillaging, governing and controlling, these are the fundamentals of society and are male.  We so desperately need compassion in this world and that is female.  We need to switch to a female consciousness to restore humanity.  This idea is hard to explain, most people will have too much trouble understanding and I am not the best person to walk anyone through it.

I tried starting my own business.  To not work for the man and to fight against the wrong doers.  To make Canadian made clothing and offer the choice to be a conscious shopper to anyone I could reach.  Maybe the clothes I made during that time just weren't good enough.  Maybe I was still coming into where I should be as a creator.   The problem though, is that I have never been able to make the money back that I have put into the business.  Majority of people have no clue about what goes into making clothing; all the skill behind the machinery.  We are all so used to being able to pay 5$ at an outlet store for a pair of pants that I could not even purchase the material for, forget about the time that goes into making it.  It's not even close to being fair.  It's like they (I don't know who "they" are, but if I ever find out where they live I am opening up some cans of words) made it absolutely impossible to make a living making clothing without having you send away your designs to be sewn up in a sweatshop in a country where the labour laws don't even exist.  I thought maybe I could find a clientele who cared about how things are being produced, and maybe I still can, but I am out of funds to keep going on.  I can't afford the booth at the trade show where less and less people are attending due to the declining economy.  Do people even realize that the economy is going to shit because of manufacturing jobs being moved across seas?  All that's left are jobs in retail selling the shit we don't actually need.  My spirit is breaking in the process; the energy to take part in such shows is draining me bit by bit.  I'm getting angry.  I didn't just  snap my fingers and suddenly I was able to sew.  I didn't merely wiggle my nose and suddenly I could pattern draft.   I worked damn hard for the last 10 years learning how to be skilled at this and now I feel my skill is not appreciated.  In the short time that I had the privilege to make costumes for an exciting theater production, I became more broken than ever before.  I saw a woman with the title of Head of Wardrobe drive back in forth to the mall to shop for the lead outfits, and in the end chose a $30 H&M dress.  I saw another woman hired as Designer for that play tell the Head of Wardrobe to shop for said dress.  I sat in the back making costumes for a children`s production of the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, costumes I made the patterns for, cut out myself, and sewed it all up based on my pattern pieces.  I had drafted a hood for Father Christmas and shortly after, the so called "designer" comes in freaking out about how she needs to sew up a cloak for behind the stage and it must have a hood. She was shouting about how she could not find a pattern for the hood and how would she be able to sew up this cloak without a pattern?  I looked at her in disbelief and stated with all confidence "I have just drafted a hood, with my measurements, onto tissue paper, would you like to use it?"  She took it hurriedly.  I explained that I put in darts but if she's making an unfitting cape there is no need to sew them in which just makes things nice and simple.  She goes over to the serger and tries to close the seams.  Starts huffing and puffing, about to mess around with the tension, I go over and see that she forgot to put down the foot. I click it down along with her ego.  It annoys me to no end that someone who merely buys clothing from a store could be called a designer.  In this case, someone who sends someone else to a store to buy a dress from H&M is called a designer.  And there's me, coming up with something in my head, figuring out the measurements, creating all the puzzle pieces and figuring out how to connect them all with my own brain and hands, and I am treated in that industry like mother fucking chopped liver.  Who's dick did they suck?  Seriously.  Even when the so called "designer" does actually sew a garment, she uses a fucking store bought pattern.  A pattern is already designed, and there's sewing instructions inside.  All you have to do is connect the dots.  I could do that before I went to school.  You Are Not A Designer.  McCall's or Vogue designed that jacket and H & fucking M designed that goddamn lead actress's dress in the play.  How dare you call yourself a designer when for years I just called myself a seamstress.  After working at the theater I suddenly had the audacity to say I Am A Designer without any doubt.  I haven't been able to obtain a design job since.

I had an interview in September to create the costumes for the Santa Clause Parade.  I was, am, perfect for the job.  All the requirements, I have them.  I have the energy, the desire, the need, the want, I have it.  I didn't get the job.  I cried. Again.  I want to know who got the job and break knees with a bat Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan style.  (I am making a bad joke here, I would never nor have I ever been violent to another living being ever in my life other than fighting with my older brother when I was a child.)  It breaks a piece of my heart off every time.  When the dream job is in arms reach and someone else gets it.  My hopes get raised just so that they can fall; after all, what goes up must come down.  I am not numb.  This stuff hurts.  More so as time goes on.  So now I am at a point where I am looking within.  I am asking myself if this is the right path for me?  I wanted to design and create to enjoy my career, and it is causing me pain.  I don't want to feel like a failure.  I don't want others to look at me like a failure.  I put all those "failure" and "giving up" notions aside, they are thoughts of the Ego.  I look within.  I apply the lessons I have learned.  What must I learn to make it go away?  I come to the gentle realization, tears rolling down my face, I am heading towards another path.  I am not giving up on a dream, I am realizing a new one.  It's like I've been in a relationship the last 10 years and the spark is gone.  I know I still love it but there is no joy left.  I have tried taking space to find the joy again and I have taken different approaches with it, all helpful but who am I kidding?  The spark is gone.  It is time to find a new relationship.  I know the path that I am naturally heading towards, I have been being drawn towards it my whole life.  It is taunting me and coaxing me and waving to me to come forth, it is time.

“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it’s yours.” | P3C7

-Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged