For those days I don't feel like doing much, sometimes rainy, even when it's sunny, I like finding quick blurps on the interweb to inspire and relate to. Today I found a blog I'm strolling all the way through:
Why do I do this to myself? Oh yeah, not too many other options at the moment. It is hard to find work. I'm sure folks would judge that I am too picky but things aren't ever that black or white. I've applied for fucking fast food restaurants when I couldn't find work that could use my actual skill set. And to my dismay I did not even get a call back, in fact I only got the interview because I sent my resume every week. When the head of the Taco stand asked why I sent my resume so many times I said because your job posting was still up on the board and I had received not even an acknowledgement that my email was received. I couldn't even get a call back from all the book stores I applied to, they hire fucking teenagers who probably haven't even read something as basic as 1984. You'd think these companies would want a responsible, educated adult working for them, but hell no. I hide my portfolio from these types of jobs, heaven for bid they see what I am capable of. Must I have to pretend like I'm fresh out of high school to obtain a little extra cash?
Back to the question, why do I do this to myself? Why am I putting myself, my work, my art out there in the public eye once again when I was pretty sure I had bowed out gracefully? Well, for one: I have a whole closet (now garage) full off woman's clothing that I made all by hand. I designed, made the patterns and sewed up every single god damn piece of clothing. I have rented out booths before, costing me $500-$1000 each time. Do you think I ever made any of it back? HELL NO. So why am I doing this again? Well, secondly: Perhaps I made some mistakes the first time around? A lot of my first designs were created to sell to professional woman, I figured those would be the customers with money and a desire for something original and creative. For this reason, I am not so proud of my line. I would not necessarily wear all the clothes I've made so why should I expect others to love them? Anything that I've made that I designed for myself has sold better than anything I made for the "public". So I came to the realization that I must stay true to myself.
Back to Basics. While travelling I was contemplating to no end what I should do, career wise, when I got home. At the beginning of the trip I concluded that I should move abroad and teach English to kids, which I still would like to do. But what would I do upon my return? While travelling I noticed a lot if Individual Style. People walking the streets in unique clothing. It was my time in Spain when I really enjoyed the clothes in the stores and ended up purchasing a few new things, to my rucksacks dismay. The fashions there really spoke to me. Then while in Berlin, walking through the markets, I reminisced on the booths I used to run. However, the folks in Berlin were having way more fun than I ever had at a show in Toronto! So I started wondering how I could incorporate my original hand crafted clothes (like the fashions in Spain) with my natural recycled style and fun-loving attitude (like the markets in Berlin).
I started my trip in London and ended in London. I was inspired by the Camden Markets my first week in London and could immediately see myself in a booth selling my stuff. Also the clothing in London was so my style. A style I am drawn too. It is in style. It can sell. When I got back to Camden Town 3 months later I walked back through the markets and I realized that I could do this. That I could add lace to shorts and silk screen Banksy quotes on shirts. Keep the costs low so at least money won't be coming out of my pocket. Time is what I have put into this. I don't want my time to be lost in vain. Then again, I can't exactly spend every day on the beach anyway.
I am sick of this sad world. Of how all the manufacturing jobs in Canada are absolutely obsolete. I cannot fathom how the government did not create any regulations keeping jobs on Canadian soil. You won't understand until you can't find a job. It seems like the majority of people either work in retail or at a bank. This is where I become particular with my work choice. I can't sell clothing in a retail store!!! I am an honest person, I would tell the customer they don't need anything in the store. People have so much clothes they think they need bigger closets to fix the problem. And none of the products, whether it be clothing or cell phones or fry pans, last as long as they should! Things are made to break down so that you can buy more. I cannot even blame consumerism for this. I blame the people. I blame every single one of you for contributing to this. For buying the shit you don't need. For choosing to eat at an American Chain restaurant where the food is microwaved instead of finding a nice family owned restaurant. I cannot fathom how our Canadian government did not make any laws against American Big Business coming in and paving over our fields and building a parking lot. Why can't they just tax the Big Business and give tax breaks to Small Business? It is sickening to say the least.
I do not like to spend my money frivolously because money does not come easy for me. Every hour I work serves to cause an ache in my back, neck and wrists. This is why most consumers don't give a fuck about where their pay check is going, because they don't give a shit about their job. Because they spend there days jacking off in the wash rooms and complaining about getting up early. This is how people view their jobs and sadly also how they view love. People rarely chose a partner because he or she lives up to their highest value, it's their lowest value they go for. Respect Yourself. Respect Work. Respect People. Make the right choices or watch this world go to shit. Don't point fingers at the TV or the Internet and don't blame advertisements for "brainwashing you". It is your choice. You can shut off the TV. It's easy. "Click". See. Don't buy shit you don't need. And if you do need or want something support local business and even more important ethical business. People who pay their workers a decent wage and don't treat their employers like there's some sort of ancient hierarchy going on. Perhaps I shouldn't talk for if I don't sell anything this weekend I am making WAY less than the children in the sweatshops in the third world countries. The difference is at least I am making peanuts with wonderful people around me and beautiful scenery that I am more than thankful to be living in.
"None but ourselves can free our minds." - Bob Marley
“The greatest crimes in the world are not committed by
people breaking the rules but by people following the rules. It’s people who
follow orders that drop bombs and massacre villages” Banksy
"You find a glimmer of happiness in this world, there's
always someone who wants to destroy it." (J.M. Barrie)
Welcome to today's therapy session. It is being brought to you in part by some cruel text messages I received this morning that is causing a delay in my progress. I know what you're thinking, Big Mouth Strikes Again, but alas that would be the wrong assumption. It has been a whole month since THAT bully harassed me at the local bar. I hope those days are long over by now, but really I have no clue when these mindless and self-indulgent creatures spring forth from the depths of hell to lash out on anyone who has a glimmer of happiness and good fortune. Sometimes I wonder if I have a large sign over my head that states: "punching bag for hire". What brings me the most comfort during these difficult times dealing with irrational and overly emotional beings is the story of Jesus Christ, I kid you not. I don't like to play the martyr in the game that some intertwine around my life, but I refuse to sink to a level of insults and ridicule. Which is why I refer to myself as a punching bag, I take the insults time and time again. I sit quietly and I bite my tongue because I know if I respond to such evil cries for help it only invites more verbal abuse. I also erase and delete any messages sent to me that would hurt me emotionally in hopes that it doesn't make its way into my psyche, causing damage to my very being.
It is a definite case of the classic psychological projection, in which'one
"projects" one's own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires, and
feelings onto someone else'.By
resorting to this behaviour, she (I will refer to the one in which I speak of candidly
because I know she would never read this blog or find it or care about it)
denies herself recognition of her own failures brought on by her own actions
and ego.Oh the ego!How I wish people whom are motivated by their
ego could be shaken and stirred and shown the light.It seems like the more I try to help and
share with others the more bad apples are thrown my way.It is a test, as life always is, and as I say
it is how you deal and cope with such "tests" that embody the person
you are.I gotta say, I have a
remarkable support system.Dealing with
these bad apples have helped me to realize just how amazing my true friends are.
Last year, I worked for the theatre. This so-called "friend" (whom I will now refer to in this post as "drama queen") helped me to get the job and the experience. Her motives for having me come to this small town to work at the theater were not to help me gain experience but to destroy the career of the woman who had the position of Head of Wardrobe. Drama Queen admitted this to me, she wanted me to get Sara (head of wardrobe) fired. I did not want to have any part of such a vindictive motive. At the end of the season, Drama Queen got let go from her position at the theater. I was not surprised, in fact it seemed to me to be the inner workings of the mystical karma having it's way with the situation. DQ started her own business, which I thought was great for her spirit, to fight on and not let this set back destroy her. Unfortunately, having her business flourish so quickly was not enough for her. She wants to destroy anyone and everyone who have let her down. She believes there is a conspiracy against her and is constantly on edge. DQ has implemented thoughts into her own head, creating a realm of misery and distrust all around her. She is in a sad and sorry state. I had deep concern about coming to work with her this summer, I chose to do so only because I saw a soul dying, and I was not going to stomp on it. She had black mailed me a few days before me moving to the town to work for her to get me to come sooner than originally planned. She spoke to me in such a cruel way that I cried and delved deep into my reasons for continuing the relationship with her. I decided that I would come and help regardless, that this was my last helping hand and that I would not except any form of abuse but that I would give this desperate soul of hers one last chance to make things right. I can be so naive.
The night before her blackmailing comment I had been legitimately harassed by Big Mouth (le ex). He attempted to bully me out of a public bar, shouted at me, sent me texts repeatedly which I had my friend delete before I read them. He gives me anxiety because he has taken his anger out on me so many times before. The next day I had a doctor's appointment. My doctor has been my therapist at times in my life and he is a smart man. He asked how things were going. I told him about the events of the night before and how such actions set me back in this healing process of getting over all the verbal abuse. My doctor wanted me to go to the police. I chose not to because I know that Big Mouth is in such a desperate place right now and as much as he has tried to hurt me, tell people to not be my friend, be-little, ridicule, follow me half-way across the world, I will not make his life more miserable. As hurt as I am, I still don't want harm to come to anyone, hence I make a great punching bag. So when Drama Queen called me the next day and spoke to me in such a manner, it was the icing on the emotional cake and I had to let the tears flow out naturally. I wanted to just stay home that night by myself, I was not feeling up to anything, my spirit was a little wounded. But then my phone started beeping. Nina was visiting the hood, so I said come on by for a beer. Then Joey asked me what my plans were, I said come on by for a beer. Then Lisa was looking for something to do, I said come on by. Caitlin had no plans either, she came on by too. I had 4 of the most amazing females sitting around my picnic table with a fire blaring and we laughed and talked and my spirit was lifted so high again. I am so beyond grateful for such wonderful people to be in my life, they had no clue how down I was and how just their presence that night moved me to infinite glory. I still think of that night and it makes me want to cry with happiness.
So I arrive earlier than planned to help Drama Queen recruit children to come to her summer camp. Of course she is entirely disorganized as I suspected and I really did not need to come earlier. It was her way of being in control and she only wanted to be able to tell me what to do, she loves delegating. If delegating were a dish she would eat it everyday. There turned out to be no work for me the first 2 weeks of July. I went back home to get other work done, I moved back to the small town on a Wednesday. My little cousin was volunteering for Drama Queen at the camp. She told me how DQ was never around and would only come by to wave fingers. I went by the camp at the end of the day and was not impressed with how she was treating my cousin and another young helper, ordering them to mop her floors while she stood by and watched.
"It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling
to do yourself." Eleanor Roosevelt
The following week I began work for her. I ran the kids camp while DQ popped in and out as pleased. It was ludicrous to say the least. I take pride in my work and I never took a break all week, I sleep well at night knowing I did a great job. The following Monday she asked me to be in at 8am. Of course she was not present. I had to message her and ask what it is she needed me to do. Finally she shows up, delegates, goes for coffee. Asks me to extend my working hours to clean a shed that should not have been so disorganized in the first place. My work day is over at 12:45 so I head back home to work on my projects. She asks if we can meet around 5 and I say not a problem. My back was really hurting me that day yet I still persevered and did all the hard work for her. I walk everywhere in this town because I have no car. It was an excruciatingly hot day. She messages me at 5ish and tells me to come walk back to where I was already earlier. I knew she had her car with her and that she would be driving past my house regardless. I ask her to come by my place for once, since my back is hurting so much and the heat and because she can easily swing by. She refuses. I've had enough of being pushed around. Back story quickly: Last year she calls me crying asking me to come help her for the weekend. I have a very important birthday party to attend. Drama Queen cries desperately. I miss the very important Birthday to come to her help. She colours with the kids while I clean and run around and make things happen. Drama Queen has a birthday in January. I know she does not have many friends so I make the effort to come visit. I bring flowers, food, party favours. She promises me a bed to sleep on, I sleep on the floor. Then we have the week I came earlier to help her promote camp, asks me to drive out to her mom's place 3 days in a row, does not even pay me for many of the hours I work. Week at camp, I am there early everyday late every night. There is no more that I can do for this woman. Now she is telling me to come running down the street so that she can tell me there is no work for me. She tells me I have a problem with authority because I do not come when she lashes her whip. I am appalled. The next day she sends me text after text after text. It is absolutely insulting. I refuse to respond back with insult, I hold my head high. She now has to crawl in the hole in which she dug for herself. It is a sad story.
