It is nearing lunch time and I haven’t yet had
breakfast. Nothing in my fridge or
freezer truly appeals to my belly so, almost every day, I hold breakfast off
until lunch. By then I know I must eat
and I will give into that which I want to avoid: meat, dairy, bread. So I have an egg, a slice of bacon, half a
piece of toast. I am not happy about
this because lately I have the strongest desire to eat raw. Every voice in my head is telling me if I
incorporate more raw veggies into my diet I will flourish mentally, physically,
and spiritually. I am always the first
person to advise friends when they need or want changes in their lives to not
be discouraged in your path when things don’t happen immediately. We are brought up in this society to expect
quick results and be upset when it does not come into play in the time frame we
so desire. So I tell myself this, I have
the desire and the power to make a dietary switch in a manner that moves
slowly, like a gentle crook making its way to the larger lake, then streaming
into the ocean. Perhaps I’ve been going
down this stream my whole life working my way to the bigger picture. I had been vegetarian for 4 years during high
school however back then I was not well equipped to handle that diet. I found myself living off of pasta, potatoes,
and dairy. After 4 years I could not do
a single push up. I believe our bodies
go through phases and my body is now telling me that certain foods have no use
for me anymore. I don’t think that
becoming extreme in any way is the right path.
If someone has me over for dinner and the food they’ve taken the time
to prepare is a hamburger I will not decline even when my heart is screaming
SALAD! I respect people too much to put
down or turn my nose up at their efforts.
I am going to start incorporating new recipes and slowly making changes
until a healthier diet becomes pure habit.
Our diets truly have a lot to do with the people in our lives; people
have so much influence we cannot deny this.
If my brother didn’t just stop by with a pizza and crazy bread, I
totally would have been happy with my salad dinner, but I could not resist his
influence and the smell of pizza and crazy bread. I have been enjoying making carrot juice on
the weekends and even this past Saturday having a dinner of only
vegetables. It is so nice to be with
someone who has such a positive influence on me and loves veggies as much as I
do! It is nice to finally be at a place
where I am attracting like-minded souls and together we all can flourish and
move towards feeling great.
At the bar the other night... My friend leaves for a second to bum a fag ;) a friendly gent introduces himself to me. Immediately also lets me know he's an American, from Missouri, has an accent to prove it. He's been living in Canada for 4 years, loves it and the people. He is about to go back to the states and shows me a pic on his iphone (or whatever those crazy gadgets are that all the cool kids be talkin' boot lately) of his going away party. Everyone in the picture has the lazer beam eyes so he pronounces that all Canadians are vampires! I say "Hey that's great, you gotta tell all the 'maricans that when you get back! Then they're all gonna try and watch us on TV! Hey, what channel is Canada on?" HAHAHAHA that was a great joke. I <3 friendly Americans.
"THE BEST PEOPLE POSSESS A FEELING FOR BEAUTY, THE COURAGE TO TAKE RISKS, THE DISCIPLINE TO TELL THE TRUTH, THE CAPACITY FOR SACRIFICE. IRONICALLY, THEIR VIRTUES MAKE THEM VULNERABLE; THEY ARE OFTEN WOUNDED, SOMETIMES DESTROYED."
~ Ernest Hemingway
"WHEN PEOPLE DON’T EXPRESS THEMSELVES, THEY DIE ONE PIECE AT A TIME. YOU’D BE SHOCKED AT HOW MANY ADULTS ARE REALLY DEAD INSIDE—WALKING THROUGH THEIR DAYS WITH NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE, JUST WAITING FOR A HEART ATTACK OR CANCER OR A MACK TRUCK TO COME ALONG AND FINISH THE JOB. IT’S THE SADDEST THING I KNOW."
~ Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak
"HOW DO YOU PICK UP THE THREADS OF AN OLD LIFE? HOW DO YOU GO ON WHEN IN YOUR HEART YOU BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND…THERE IS NO GOING BACK? THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT TIME CANNOT MEND; SOME HURTS THAT GO TOO DEEP THAT HAVE TAKEN HOLD."
~ The Lord of the Rings, The Return of the King
"EXPLORATION IS IN OUR NATURE. WE BEGAN AS WANDERERS, AND WE ARE WANDERERS STILL. WE HAVE LINGERED LONG ENOUGH ON THE SHORES OF THE COSMIC OCEAN. WE ARE READY AT LAST TO SET SAIL FOR THE STARS."
~ Carl Sagan
"WORDS. WORDS. I PLAY WITH WORDS, HOPING THAT SOME COMBINATION, EVEN A CHANCE COMBINATION, WILL SAY WHAT I WANT."
~ Doris Lessing
"I’ve been so many places. Nowhere could ever tie me down. All I ever wanted was so much more than life in a small town. I find it hard to hide my feelings. Looking down to ancient buildings, looking down on me towering above. Time was standing still as we fell in love."
- The Gossip, Love in a Foreign Place
"YOU ARE THE UNIVERSE, EXPRESSING ITSELF AS A HUMAN FOR A LITTLE WHILE"
~ Eckhart Tolle
"EXPECTATION IS THE ROOT OF ALL HEARTACHE."
~ William Shakespeare
"THEY DON’T TEACH YOU THIS IN SCHOOL. THEY DON’T SHOW YOU THE BEAUTY OF EXISTING, THEY DON’T SHOW YOU THE WONDER OF THE EARTH, THEY DON’T SHOW YOU THE UNITY THAT HUMAN BEINGS ARE. THEY SHOW YOU WHO’S BETTER, WHO’S WORSE. THEY SHOW YOU WHAT THEY NEED TO SHOW YOU IN ORDER FOR THEIR SYSTEM TO SURVIVE. THEY DON’T SHOW YOU LOVE."
~ LITERATURE ON HIGH
LOTR QUOTES
“All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wonder are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king.”
"THE BEST MOMENTS IN READING ARE WHEN YOU COME ACROSS SOMETHING—A THOUGHT, A FEELING, A WAY OF LOOKING AT THINGS—WHICH YOU HAD THOUGHT WAS SPECIAL AND PARTICULAR TO YOU. AND NOW, HERE IT IS, SET DOWN BY SOMEONE ELSE, A PERSON YOU HAVE NEVER MET, SOMEONE EVEN WHO IS LONG DEAD. AND IT IS AS IF A HAND HAS COME OUT, AND TAKEN YOURS."
~ Alan Bennett
I can see this from my front porch
"THE ARTS ARE NOT A WAY TO MAKE A LIVING. THEY ARE A VERY HUMAN WAY OF MAKING LIFE MORE BEARABLE. PRACTICING AN ART, NO MATTER HOW WELL OR BADLY, IS A WAY TO MAKE YOUR SOUL GROW, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE. SING IN THE SHOWER. DANCE TO THE RADIO. TELL STORIES. WRITE A POEM TO A FRIEND, EVEN A LOUSY POEM. DO IT AS WELL AS YOU POSSIBLE CAN. YOU WILL GET AN ENORMOUS REWARD. YOU WILL HAVE CREATED SOMETHING."
~ Kurt Vonnegut
"IF I’M FREE, IT’S BECAUSE I’M ALWAYS RUNNING."
~ Jimi Hendrix
"A lot of people can’t be on their own. They get frightened. Isolation doesn’t bother me at all. It gives me a sense of security."
- Jimmy Page
"If something is wrong, it matters not if a thousand
men are for it; you must still oppose it. If something is just, no amount of
popular outcry should stay you from your course."
- Terry Goodkin
...and today I realize that I read Charles Bukowski when I
was in grade school... grade 7 or 8, because Daniel Johns said he read it on
Much Music... One could even speculate that I had a premonition of this
realization this afternoon, I saw a fresh loaf of rye on the kitchen counter
and immediately thought of ham. A
thought I am conditioned to have every time since I read Ham on Rye. Until right now, I did not remember that it
was a Bukowski novel.
“Nothing ever goes
away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron
There is a big difference between “standing up” and “teaming
up”. First of all, there is no such
thing as “sides” and thus “taking sides” or choosing a side in any matter. There is only life and living it. There is right and there is wrong; there is
good and there is bad; there is freedom and there is enslavement; there is consciousness
and there is delusion. There is
standing up for what is right and choosing to live freely and peacefully, and
then there is blindly going along with the more forceful (seemingly “stronger”)
opinion of another or others. If I
choose to do something that a million other people are already doing, it does
not mean that I am “joining” them in their endeavors. What it means is that I am doing what I want
for my reasons and there just happens to be a million others who have this in
common with me. I am reminded here of
the movie “the Reader” where Kate
Winslet plays a former Nazi prison guard who is on trial years after the war
for her actions during it. This is one
of those movies that delved deep into my psyche where even years later I am
still pondering the message in it. As a guard,
she was given orders by her superior to lead the prisoners into the furnace. Who is the murderer, the superior or the
woman doing her job? Where do we as
humans in our brains justify our own actions as if we did not have any
choice? Where does our “employee” have
more pull over our actions than our own moral code? When I could no longer work for my so-called “friend”
this past summer she told me I had a “problem with authority” when in fact she
is the one who has a “problem with authority”.
Her problem being that she thinks she is the authority, and worse, has authority
over me. It is all perspective; I
thought I was working “with” her and she thought I was working “for” her.
Forgive me as I try my best to puzzle all my thoughts
together to create the big picture.
I have gotten to this place in my head and heart where I hold
no contempt for any one human being who has come in or out of my life. I hold no hate, no fear, no judgement, anger,
resentment, jealousy… I know this because I have felt all these things in my
life one time or another. I have held
onto resentment towards certain people who have deliberately hurt me as far
back as my childhood. I used to pray
that it would go away and ponder if it ever would. I would wonder over and over WHEN it would be
that I could finally be free from such past burdens and truly know the meaning
of “moving on”. The simple fact that
these bullies and wrong-doers no longer have this emotional hold on me anymore
is so fucking awesome. That I no longer
wake in the middle of the night with eyes wide open trying to understand how my
first boyfriend used my family, stole money, and mentally fucked with me with
such manipulative and controlling behaviour.
Let’s be honest, I still think all the things that he has done is still
really incredibly shitty and that there is a way that he could vindicate
himself but I am not waiting around for it, I am indifferent towards him.
For some time, I was still very angry with a
big-fat-round-googly-eyed-psycho-bitch bully who tormented me and many others
in elementary school. This girl was
hitler-esque in the sense that she was able to even recruit others to do her
dirty work. I will only reminisce on one
time now since I am reminded of it in present circumstances. Grade 6, I went home for lunch, I get back it
is the end of recess. Bully girl gets a
few girls to tag along with her and pull me to the side and inform me that there
was a vote and the consensus (let’s be honest that word was not used, these
girls were dumb as shit) was that I could no longer hang out with the group of
friends. The recess bell rings and I
find myself in gym class, trying not to let the sorrow come flooding out, but I
did not have the power. I cried, almost
all the girls immediately apologized and claimed that they did not “vote”
against me, then who did? Perhaps, no
one even cared, bully bitch just made it seem that way. Either way that was a pivotal moment in my life
that took me down a course of Standing Up for what is right. I chose at that point, to never be one of
those people who would purposely try and knock others down. And now, in the present I am reminded of the
smallest of minds from my childhood resurfacing in adulthood.
“Holding on to
anything is like holding on to your breath. You will suffocate. The only way to
get anything in the physical universe is by letting go of it. Let go & it
will be yours forever.” - Deepak Chopra
After high school was long over, I still had much resentment
towards a girl who simulated a friendship with me and all the while had been
spreading rumours behind my back. She did
this as an attempt to gain friendship.
The lesson I learned from this, is that only the smallest minds base
friendships on talking shit behind others backs. How about say something nice, or don’t say
anything at all? That is my motto. Anyway, I spent too much time blaming her for
possibly being the reason why I had not seen friends from high school for a
very long time. At first I blamed
myself but then when I figured out her manipulation with clear eyes I had her
to blame. On a side note, blaming
myself, while unhealthy, is truly the appropriate discourse. I am a much better friend today than I ever
was at 18 or even younger. Life teaches
us so much and I made changes for the better.
Something happened to stop that resentment towards that girl dead in its
tracks. A friend died. I was shocked and it truly was a slap in the
face, that there is so much more to life than stupid moments or people in high
school. I was free at that moment. I was on the verge of my 25th
birthday with no more than perhaps 2 friends in my life. I left a brutal relationship on my own,
knowing that I would be lonely for a while but that I chose freedom over having
someone always there for me.
“Complaining is the
brother of blame. It’s an easy excuse to get a little energy while giving away
control of our life. It allows us to not be the cause of our creation. It takes
us out of self-responsibility.
Do you want to be in
charge of your life? Cut out the complaining and look for deeper reasons why
things are happening. Seek answers and doors will open.”
-Yehuda Ber
This brings me to reconnecting with many of those people
from high school, whom I thought for so long did not give a shit about me. They welcomed me back with open arms and
through them I met the most wonderful people who I have shared so many epic
times with. I miss those people,
but I am sure that in time I will get to have those moments again. I will
not shout it out, I will calmly go about my life and live through example. I have had 2 people this past year try and
create the illusion of “sides” and attempt to gather up free-willed humans onto
their “side”, for no reason other than their own feelings of rejection. But like I stated in a previous blog, there
is no such thing as rejection. I have witnessed those who hold the strongest minds; the
ones who would never have walked the prisoners into the furnaces, who would
have chosen their own death and freedom over imprisonment and murder. I chose to focus on their will power and the joy it has brought me.
"I shall choose
friends among men, but neither slaves nor masters. And I shall choose only such
as please me, and them I shall love and respect, but neither command nor obey.
And we shall join our hands when we wish, or walk alone when we so
desire." | Anthem
While I was travelling in Europe, and outside of the “circle”,
I had too many moments of being overcome with anger and resentment towards the
events of the past 2 years. Mostly these
depressing feelings only came forth when they were triggered. I would find my peace of mind and then be
brutally reminded and be “punched back into the dead spot”. The final straw occurred my first morning in
Berlin where I was couchsurfing at Oz’s.
He had a computer, so when I awoke in the morning (after sleeping in my
own room for the first time in months!) I turned to the interweb. Too many stupid and hurtful words shot at
me. The only reason this was able to
happen was because this person still had the honour of being privy to my life
in a nutshell. My spirit was wounded once
again, and I looked within for an answer to help myself recover. I asked myself, “what would my doctor advise
me to do?” He would tell me to cut this
person out of my life, simple as that.
If that person cannot write to me then they do not have the power to break
me down again. Every time he has
apologized in the past, I let him back in and trusted again which then gave him
the power to knock me down again. I
chose never again.
“When our actions
create discord in another person, we, ourselves, in this lifetime or another,
will feel that discord. Likewise, if our actions create harmony and empowerment
in another, we also come to feel that harmony and empowerment.”
-Gary Zukav
That night, Oz takes me out to show me a bit of Berlin. He immediately sees a change in my demeanor
from the night before. I could sense his
struggle with trying to cheer me up and I was feeling bad for him and trying my
best to be cheerful. Over drinks and an
awkward silence, he asks “what is your most embarrassing moment?” My heart sinks. The last thing I want to do is bring that up
because it is truly fucking embarrassing to the bone. He sees my head go down, does the “oh shit”
look, and I say “do you really wanna hear that?
Cuz it’s not a ‘shit my pants in public’ story anymore…” And YES I would rather shit myself in public
than have the person who claims to love me more than anyone else in this world belittle
and ridicule me in front of a whole room of peers. At this time, I will not allow the emotions to
come forth that such a story could arouse.
Instead, I breathe. I have the
power to think about what is positive instead.
This is why none of these people truly do not have a hold on me
anymore. Within seconds I can healthily
reject negative thoughts. How? Well, for one, I have a homemade pizza with
pineapple and bacon just fresh out of the oven.
Also, because I have season 5 of True Blood ready to be caught up
on. My dog is so cute. The music is so calming. The sun, it is setting. My phone bears a message from my love.
“When you begin to
notice your thoughts at the seed level, the next step to transforming your
reality is to remind yourself: I am the cause. I can change the thought, I can
stop the voice telling me that things are bad. I can decide that things are
good.
Listen to the voice
in your head. What is it saying to you all day long? If you don’t like it, then
stop it. You decide what you think.
You are the chooser!”
-Yehuda Ber
It is true what they say, that we are a product of our
thoughts. Allow for good thoughts to be
habit. Think simply. By simply. Love Simply. It is our choice to not let thoughts stray to the negative. It is not easy at first, but with practice
you can catch those negative thoughts and chose to think about something
better.
All peace comes from within.
Peace can have so many meanings; peace is whatever brings you
peace. For some it is closure, others it
is happiness, or serenity, unity, love… Whatever you call it, know this: It comes from within. “Within” is not just a place we delve to
through meditation; “within” is also not blaming others or expecting another to
fix you. “Fix” being to apologize or return
what was stolen, etc. People do not have the power to fix each other. One must know that only they hold the key,
within, to be at peace with the universe.
Back to the question brought forth by “the Reader”; how do we as humans rationalize such behaviour? How do we manipulate our minds into thinking that what is clearly wrong be made right because we are told to do so by some force or another? All my life I have pondered which path to chose. To stand up or sit down. I have finally made my choice. After all, “It was Edmund burke who once said that the only
thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing… Lesson:
If you put your trust in evil men, they will commit evil right before your very
eyes; and you will be an accomplice to that evil because being passive, is the
same thing as being agreeable...” (excerpt from an inspiring friend)
When the world seems heavier and filled with troubles,
remember about patience and timing. Everything comes when it must come. A life
cannot be rushed.
dr. brian weiss
Aug 30, 2012
It is damn windy on the beach today. Today is my last real beach day of the summer
in Port Dover. A real beach day to me is
a day where I am alone. Growing up I had
always only ever gone to the beach with my family or friends. It is most commonly seen as a group outing
where clearly it is more fun to have at least one other person to talk to,
share drinks, swim with and it is absolutely necessary when throwing a
Frisbee. When I am alone it is a
definite me party, the Muppets coin things best. When I am alone I have such a wonderful
eternal reflection that I need so much.
My life has had a lot of stuff going on in it and I need to be
alone to think, stare, write, draw, listen... at least once a week as the bare
minimum. For me, the beach is the most
ideal place for this. I have the sun shining on my heavedly sunscreened
body. The breeze and waves offer such
calmness today. I don’t really feel the
urge to go swimming because the water has gotten so gross lately. I hung out
for a bit at the beach last evening as well, not to swim because it was later
in the evening, but to just enjoy the scenery and read, write, and draw. It was a beautiful late day. I drew a picture to preserve the
ever-changing beach line (sand to water separation). In the last two months, drastic changes have
occurred on the beach line. More changes than I’ve seen in my entire life of visiting this beach. It has always been soft and sandy everywhere
and even was a few weeks ago; now there is a strip of ooey-gooey-gross-squish-in-your-toes
muck in the water that runs about 10 ft. long.
You can avoid it by swimming over it to get to the next sand bar
<that which I did when I eventually gave in and submerged into the cool
waves>. It amazes me to wonder how
the goo is only in one spot, stuck in the same spot along the beach, somehow
the waves must have brought it in and got it stuck there.
On another note, we saw an alien planet (or ship) one late
late night on the beach in the night sky.
Shit was googled and apps specializing in stars and planets were used to
figure this bright light out. It is a
mystery and there are a handful of people who saw it and know it to be
real. No one was scared. I was scared at some past time of extra-terrestrial
stuff, especially after watching the 4th kind. After inward insight and strange dreams I
have decided to have faith that the aliens are out for our best interest, or
more importantly the planets, which is our best interest anyway, same thing.
I have been living in Dover for 2 months, and I have truly
enjoyed all the new experiences and people I’ve met during this time. I have beyond made better bonds this year
than last year. I feel so much happier
when strong personalities don’t tug on my life strings. I have done something this past year that I
have not done in a long while, I stood up to two big forces that were draining
me bit by bit. I could never have participated
in the festivals, that I sold my stuff at this summer, last summer. The one force would have been a big fat
whiney baby about where my time was spent and how much of it was on his time,
which of course is the means to all ends fa la la dee dah! I LOVE BEING FREE! Last summer there were many occasions on most
weekends where I wanted to do what I wanted, even if what I wanted was to just
enjoy my time on my front porch chatting with Finnegan, but he absolutely and
unequivocally demanded my time and my presence.
No care for what I wanted or needed, and too much care for his plans and
wellbeing. Week nights had the second
force using up all my time. I made
decent friends but her presence over took my small voice. I mean, I’d love to think I can’t be swayed
so easily, buy I’m really damn passive and easy-going and will most always
falter into peace, love, and understanding.
This year I had the utmost pleasure to get to know so many
different people being able to be open and free and this served to make this
just past summer the best ever yet. I
love how things just keep getting better, not perfect. Growing and going forth a little more each
and every day. There is no rush, there
never was, there never will be. While I
believe it is good to hold attainable goals for the future, it is most
important to enjoy today. Today I come
full circle once again. Finishing
another adventure and off to start a new one.
The last week of June had me walking up and down Main St. handing out
flyers to promote the kids camp. It
takes a lot of spunk to walk into every store, introduce myself and promote a
theater kids camp. While doing that I
asked myself why I don’t have the sass to do that for my own business? I came across 13 Reasons, an eclectic store
with all Canadian-made jewellery, clothing, soap and everything wonderful. When I asked the owner if I could leave some
flyers behind for the camp I couldn’t help but say, oh hey by the way… I brought up my clothing line, spoke of the
festivals I would be attending and talked about maybe placing some of my pieces
in her store. I planted a seed; I made a
contact. A month later the owner of this
store passed through my booth at a festival and her daughter bought a pair of
my shorts. Today I followed up with her,
for an hour and a half I showed everything I had and although she didn’t take
anything for her store, I am happy with the absolutely fantastic advice she
gave me. I am more than pleased with the
outcome of the connection and that I am learning more.
I have so many new ideas for next year. The support that I have been shown from
family and friends has been overwhelming.
This past summer I have been truly moved by this support system, my
friends who believe in me more than I do sometimes, it moves me to wimpy
tears. Damn the man, I am going to keep
on trying!
