"You find a glimmer of happiness in this world, there's
always someone who wants to destroy it." (J.M. Barrie)
Welcome to today's therapy session. It is being brought to you in part by some cruel text messages I received this morning that is causing a delay in my progress. I know what you're thinking, Big Mouth Strikes Again, but alas that would be the wrong assumption. It has been a whole month since THAT bully harassed me at the local bar. I hope those days are long over by now, but really I have no clue when these mindless and self-indulgent creatures spring forth from the depths of hell to lash out on anyone who has a glimmer of happiness and good fortune. Sometimes I wonder if I have a large sign over my head that states: "punching bag for hire". What brings me the most comfort during these difficult times dealing with irrational and overly emotional beings is the story of Jesus Christ, I kid you not. I don't like to play the martyr in the game that some intertwine around my life, but I refuse to sink to a level of insults and ridicule. Which is why I refer to myself as a punching bag, I take the insults time and time again. I sit quietly and I bite my tongue because I know if I respond to such evil cries for help it only invites more verbal abuse. I also erase and delete any messages sent to me that would hurt me emotionally in hopes that it doesn't make its way into my psyche, causing damage to my very being.
It is a definite case of the classic psychological projection, in which'one
"projects" one's own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires, and
feelings onto someone else'.By
resorting to this behaviour, she (I will refer to the one in which I speak of candidly
because I know she would never read this blog or find it or care about it)
denies herself recognition of her own failures brought on by her own actions
and ego.Oh the ego!How I wish people whom are motivated by their
ego could be shaken and stirred and shown the light.It seems like the more I try to help and
share with others the more bad apples are thrown my way.It is a test, as life always is, and as I say
it is how you deal and cope with such "tests" that embody the person
you are.I gotta say, I have a
remarkable support system.Dealing with
these bad apples have helped me to realize just how amazing my true friends are.
Last year, I worked for the theatre. This so-called "friend" (whom I will now refer to in this post as "drama queen") helped me to get the job and the experience. Her motives for having me come to this small town to work at the theater were not to help me gain experience but to destroy the career of the woman who had the position of Head of Wardrobe. Drama Queen admitted this to me, she wanted me to get Sara (head of wardrobe) fired. I did not want to have any part of such a vindictive motive. At the end of the season, Drama Queen got let go from her position at the theater. I was not surprised, in fact it seemed to me to be the inner workings of the mystical karma having it's way with the situation. DQ started her own business, which I thought was great for her spirit, to fight on and not let this set back destroy her. Unfortunately, having her business flourish so quickly was not enough for her. She wants to destroy anyone and everyone who have let her down. She believes there is a conspiracy against her and is constantly on edge. DQ has implemented thoughts into her own head, creating a realm of misery and distrust all around her. She is in a sad and sorry state. I had deep concern about coming to work with her this summer, I chose to do so only because I saw a soul dying, and I was not going to stomp on it. She had black mailed me a few days before me moving to the town to work for her to get me to come sooner than originally planned. She spoke to me in such a cruel way that I cried and delved deep into my reasons for continuing the relationship with her. I decided that I would come and help regardless, that this was my last helping hand and that I would not except any form of abuse but that I would give this desperate soul of hers one last chance to make things right. I can be so naive.
The night before her blackmailing comment I had been legitimately harassed by Big Mouth (le ex). He attempted to bully me out of a public bar, shouted at me, sent me texts repeatedly which I had my friend delete before I read them. He gives me anxiety because he has taken his anger out on me so many times before. The next day I had a doctor's appointment. My doctor has been my therapist at times in my life and he is a smart man. He asked how things were going. I told him about the events of the night before and how such actions set me back in this healing process of getting over all the verbal abuse. My doctor wanted me to go to the police. I chose not to because I know that Big Mouth is in such a desperate place right now and as much as he has tried to hurt me, tell people to not be my friend, be-little, ridicule, follow me half-way across the world, I will not make his life more miserable. As hurt as I am, I still don't want harm to come to anyone, hence I make a great punching bag. So when Drama Queen called me the next day and spoke to me in such a manner, it was the icing on the emotional cake and I had to let the tears flow out naturally. I wanted to just stay home that night by myself, I was not feeling up to anything, my spirit was a little wounded. But then my phone started beeping. Nina was visiting the hood, so I said come on by for a beer. Then Joey asked me what my plans were, I said come on by for a beer. Then Lisa was looking for something to do, I said come on by. Caitlin had no plans either, she came on by too. I had 4 of the most amazing females sitting around my picnic table with a fire blaring and we laughed and talked and my spirit was lifted so high again. I am so beyond grateful for such wonderful people to be in my life, they had no clue how down I was and how just their presence that night moved me to infinite glory. I still think of that night and it makes me want to cry with happiness.
So I arrive earlier than planned to help Drama Queen recruit children to come to her summer camp. Of course she is entirely disorganized as I suspected and I really did not need to come earlier. It was her way of being in control and she only wanted to be able to tell me what to do, she loves delegating. If delegating were a dish she would eat it everyday. There turned out to be no work for me the first 2 weeks of July. I went back home to get other work done, I moved back to the small town on a Wednesday. My little cousin was volunteering for Drama Queen at the camp. She told me how DQ was never around and would only come by to wave fingers. I went by the camp at the end of the day and was not impressed with how she was treating my cousin and another young helper, ordering them to mop her floors while she stood by and watched.
"It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling
to do yourself." Eleanor Roosevelt
The following week I began work for her. I ran the kids camp while DQ popped in and out as pleased. It was ludicrous to say the least. I take pride in my work and I never took a break all week, I sleep well at night knowing I did a great job. The following Monday she asked me to be in at 8am. Of course she was not present. I had to message her and ask what it is she needed me to do. Finally she shows up, delegates, goes for coffee. Asks me to extend my working hours to clean a shed that should not have been so disorganized in the first place. My work day is over at 12:45 so I head back home to work on my projects. She asks if we can meet around 5 and I say not a problem. My back was really hurting me that day yet I still persevered and did all the hard work for her. I walk everywhere in this town because I have no car. It was an excruciatingly hot day. She messages me at 5ish and tells me to come walk back to where I was already earlier. I knew she had her car with her and that she would be driving past my house regardless. I ask her to come by my place for once, since my back is hurting so much and the heat and because she can easily swing by. She refuses. I've had enough of being pushed around. Back story quickly: Last year she calls me crying asking me to come help her for the weekend. I have a very important birthday party to attend. Drama Queen cries desperately. I miss the very important Birthday to come to her help. She colours with the kids while I clean and run around and make things happen. Drama Queen has a birthday in January. I know she does not have many friends so I make the effort to come visit. I bring flowers, food, party favours. She promises me a bed to sleep on, I sleep on the floor. Then we have the week I came earlier to help her promote camp, asks me to drive out to her mom's place 3 days in a row, does not even pay me for many of the hours I work. Week at camp, I am there early everyday late every night. There is no more that I can do for this woman. Now she is telling me to come running down the street so that she can tell me there is no work for me. She tells me I have a problem with authority because I do not come when she lashes her whip. I am appalled. The next day she sends me text after text after text. It is absolutely insulting. I refuse to respond back with insult, I hold my head high. She now has to crawl in the hole in which she dug for herself. It is a sad story.
We all are aware that life is changing on this planet; there
is no denying this shift in weather. My
prediction is that those who have a close relationship to nature will survive
and make it through these strange times and those who cannot find this inherited
connection will surely falter under pressure.
My advice is to stay close to nature:
Feel it. Be a part of it as much
as possible. Stand in reverence to a
sunrise or sunset. Notice the trees and
fields as you drive past. Pay close
attention to the wind and storms, notice how this is remarkably connected to
emotional upheaval and heated situations.
Once you tune into Mother Nature it becomes easier to predict where she
moves next.
Don't forget about the animals. Even the insects. Notice the ones who attract the most bug
bites or see more butterflies on the regular.
Gaze at the birds, watch their patterns, find their nests. As much as I loathe insect bites, rodent
scares, creepy crawly's; I can't help but feel a part of them all. I am attracted to animals like a magnet, even
the less fluffy and squishy ones. Last
year I had a cat that would visit me on my porch all summer long, I dubbed him
my "porch cat" and gave him the name Finnegan. He survived the winter and is back again this
year with friendly greetings, keeping me company on these peaceful
evenings. I found a mouse on my dresser
late one night. It frightened me to no
end for a minute but upon closer inspection I realized he's just a teensy mousy
scared shitless of me. My landlord/uncle
made the executive decision to set up a trap and seize his life but the trap
came up dry the next day. I was
relieved. I wanted so bad to save
Herbert the night he came to me but I did not have the courage to snatch him up
by his tail and put him in a box to release out in the field. I wished I had those gloves bird people use to
handle vultures...
Herbert
The dead fish on the beach this year are twice the size of
the ones I would find last year. The
water is remarkably lower and warmer. It
has felt like 37 degrees Celsius for weeks now.
We did not even have to shovel snow off the driveway this past winter. The change is not just here in Canada for I
strolled the parks of London in a t-shirt this past February! It becomes even more evident the more we
share our stories and meet people from around the world. If your mind and heart is open enough we
realize that we are all on the same boat as citizens of this Earth. We are born from the Earth and are a part of
it always. One Love.
I could've written a brilliant piece the other night but I was far too concerned with getting the appropriate amount of sleep so that I could function up to par at work the next day. I laid there in bed that night while shadows danced on my walls, words racing through my mind a mile a minute, true and definite solutions coming intensely to the forefront of my mind creating clarity and excitable calmness. I felt remarkably in touch with "reality" and as much as I wanted to hold down those thoughts with the reigns of writing I made the choice to shut down my head and count myself off into the wonders of the dream world. Of course I could not remember those brilliant thoughts the next day. However a few days later one aspect of those ideas that night came back to me; that dying must feel an awful lot like dancing. Reaching upwards and swaying in the midst of colours...
I am OK with losing that self proclaimed brilliant thought. I decided to sleep at a decent hour because I had to be at work; if I was late I would be letting down too many people. This past week I took care of 16 children, 6 of whom I knew from last summer. People can go about dismissing the adults they work with and for but with children it is a different mind set. There is so much hope that these kids could become something so fantastic and you better believe that I'm not going to be the one to disappoint them. I will not be late or hungover or unhealthy because I want to help persevere their innocence the best I can. I want to keep their dreams alive, show them that this world is beautiful and that life is filled with wanderlust. At the end of the day, when the kids don't want to go home or don't even notice that the end of the day is here it gives me that sense of accomplishment that I did my job well. I am so proud of the work I did this past week and even more so that there will be "forever memories".
I do many jobs at random times and the truth is that I am proud of it all, this includes the work that I do not get paid to do and I appreciate it when it is not dismissed as a hobby or a waste of time. Even something as simple as writing this blog, to me, is still my work that I enjoy and am proud to share and be a part of. Ever since society has put a monetary hold on our work we have lost sight of what we should be doing in order to create a happy and well-functioning life. I am done with people who judge anyone on how much they make. I've had enough of those who work in a field, not because they enjoy it and it moves their soul, but because it makes them enough money to hold up a certain stature in society. Let's get free and forget about the ridiculous doctrine that work is not acceptable unless it is 9-5 and brings you down and inhibits you from enjoying the finer things that life has to offer. After all, freedom is another word for nothing left to lose.
Am I supposed to feel older as time passes by? Because I definitely feel younger everyday. I look at life as if I were a child who's never known or seen hardships. I try my best to shake off all those things in life that effect you and turn you jaded and sour. I was a very serious child; listening in on the adults' conversations while seeking refuge behind my mother's tallness instead of actively seeking friendship with kids my own age. I was an extremely shy and imaginative kid. Books, nature, animals and music were my best friends and that has not changed at all over the years. I've been an avid tree climber my whole life and I will never stop swinging around like a monkey, you can't make me if you tried! I got my first clock radio when I was in grade one and I immediately tuned it to 1050 chum and thought I could grow up to be Diana Ross or one of the Supremes. I would walk aimlessly around the school yard alone when I had no friends and be in complete bliss while discovering new dimensions and magical worlds whenever I passed through the appropriate tree branch or certain rock. My brother recalls that time when I had no friends in grade one and he felt sorry for me as he saw me walk back and forth along the fence and tree line all recess long. A few years ago I remember him reminiscing to me about this and how he invited me to play hockey with him and his friends. It was really nice of him to have his little sister tag along but to be completely honest my memories and feelings of the situation were not sad. I was not sad to be alone walking back and forth because I swear on my life I was in a magical kingdom where anything was possible! This sense of wonder will live in me forever I just know it. I do not in any way shape or form feel the pressure that people my "age" feel; aka marriage and children. All I care about is happiness and spreading good vibes all over the world!
You can't always get what you want. "To Want" is an element of the Ego and I find life works best for me when I stay away from desires of the Ego. With patience and perseverance I've learned that I do end up obtaining exactly what I need after I lose that which I want. I no longer look at rejection as a setback; in fact it has no meaning in my life anymore. I've had enough rejection through my life but I am now presently at a place where I am thriving more than ever before. With the right attitude and out look I have been able to achieve peace and freedom unlike ever before. My shield no longer protects me from heartbreak because I've opened my heart right up but rather this new shield protects me from bad energy, those that look to suck your soul of happiness and freedom.
During my dark ages I conjured up a dream to get into costume design and work in theater and or film. Soon after I escaped the dark and moved into the light I got a message from my oldest friend in the world about a job opening as Head of Wardrobe at the theater in Port Dover. My best childhood memories are of summers in Port Dover and the Norfolk area. For me this chance to work in Port Dover was such an exceptional opportunity; I would be fulfilling a dream job and living in serenity close to family I love. I scored an interview for this position and was second in line to obtaining it but I did not get the job in the end. I was disappointed but I truly understood why the other woman got it over me, after all she had a list of experience that I could not measure up to. A year later the same theater tried to bring me back through a government funded grant. The grant would have me working under the head of the wardrobe, learning and gaining the experience I need to obtain future jobs in this field. My hopes were so high; I wanted to use the power of thought to obtain what I wanted but I also did not want to convince myself so much that I would achieve it that which in the end would leave me more heartbroken and disappointed. I finally got the phone call that I had been pacing over for months: I did not get the grant. I broke down. I was crushed. I fucking wanted that job and this was now the second time I lost it. I wanted to live by the beach, be close to family, get the experience I needed to obtain this dream career...
A few days later I get a phone call from my friend. She said that she understood that it was not the same thing but as a consolation I could come and work with her at the theater and run a theater based summer camp with children. I immediately said yes. She also managed to get the theater to hire me on as a costume builder for a production of The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe. Ever since I was a child I have always wanted to be a teacher. Through out high school my teaching plans geared more towards psychology with the idea of perhaps becoming a youth councilor. While working on the youth programs for the theater last summer I became both a teacher and a psychologist to all these children and young adults; it added this new purpose to my work. I did not obtain that job that I so desperately wanted but because that door closed behind me I was able to go forth and open the next one which sent me into a natural direction obtaining another ideal area of work that I have always been so interested in. This summer I am back to working with the kids again. They bring me so much joy and laughter unlike any other job I've ever had. I try my best to be a positive influence and to take the time to get into the minds of the more troubled kids in a sincere and understanding way. Everyday that I work with the kids I have a new hilarious and interesting story to share. Their intelligence never ceases to amaze me and it warms my heart.
I have a new outlook on what rejection is now. After having gone through enough rejection in my life and feeling lost and let down I have now realized that there is no such thing as rejection.Rejection has not a single thread of meaning anymore. Had I achieved that which rejected me I would not be able to have opened these new doors to a brighter and more fulfilling future. Every time I have not got what I wanted I ended up getting exactly what I needed. I feel free from failure and rejection because I have faith that I am on the right course in life and I am reminded of it in the best possible way when it is most needed. I came to terms about this new outlook while on the bus coming home from a field trip with about 70 kids from my friend's theater school last Friday; we went to Stratford to watch "Your a Good Man Charlie Brown". I was in deep thought on the bus home staring out the window at the green pastures as I often do. I was coming to terms with how a boy whom I really like did not call me after a much anticipated "date". I did not seek to know any reasons why because to me the reason does not matter; the fact is he didn't try and that is all that I need to know to move on. I understood how it made me sad and I accepted it as I do with all things that are out of my control. I wrote this chapter on the bus and then went out this past weekend with an open mind and heart ready to accept new experiences. Fireworks. I met someone who gives a damn, somebody more like myself. Someone unlike anyone I've ever met before. Someone who says the greatest things my ears have ever heard such as "I'm going to teach you how to play piano." Me: "Do you know how to play piano?" Him: "No. But I will learn so that I can teach you."
We can save our own souls with the right outlook on life and by openly expressing our freedom with like minded souls with all the pride in the world.
